The other day, we went to see Despicable Me with the kids. I was surprised at how much I liked the movie. So after it was over and we were walking out of the theatre I said, “That movie was SO CUTE, wasn't it?” (Or course, I don't know if it was the Peanut M&M's or me talking, but I was pretty pumped about the film.)

Nino looked at me and I swear I smelled inklings of an angsty tween as my just turned six-year-old rolled his eyes back into his head and said, “Ummmmm … no. No really. Not cute. Coooooo.... more >>

Big news!! I was hired by SheKnows.com as a baby blogger. That means that I get to blog as a baby on their site for the next eight weeks. Oh yeah. I got the inside scoop on poopy diapers and why all babies are obsessed with cat litter and the tampon dispenser. Anyway, I would be ever so grateful if you went on over there and met my alias, “Baby Lucha.”

He's a tough little cookie who enjoys cat litter, ketchup packets, house keys, remote controls, anything shiny, low riders, luchadores, power.... more >>

Well, I am working on climbing out of this black hole. First off, I wanted to thank everyone who reached out to me. You are all extremely kind and I am so grateful for your love, compassion, and support. I was amazed and saddened to hear how many of you had similar stories to share. Thank you for your honesty. And thank you for your love. Your friendship has touched me deeply.

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When we woke up this morning, Nino told me, “Mami, guess what!".... more >>

So I lied. It hasn't been all Cheese Whiz and rainbows over here lately. In fact, we've been having quite a rough time during the past few weeks. First my uncle passed away and now my sister is gravely ill. I debated whether to blog about these things. Since my blog tends to focus on the lighter side of life, I wasn't sure if I wanted to delve into these subjects. But I realized that my feelings about what had happened were entombing me. I was unable to write or think about anything else. So I'm going to tell you a very personal story about my family. Thank you for .... more >>

I've been taking a bloggy sabbatical. You know just laying around here massaging my toe lint and eating cheese out of a jar. But I've missed you guys. And actually I have done something of note in the past few weeks besides making a wicked awesome Mr. Potato Head Pirate and requiring the local grocery store to restock their selection of jarred cheese several times over.

I found out that I was featured on Mamapedia a couple of days ago. And I'd be more than grateful and possibly willing.... more >>

Or Why I Love to Camp with All My Heart

If these three things do not seem to go together, then think again. Because they were all part of my delightful camping experience last month in Turner Falls, Oklahoma. To say I am not a camper would probably be the understatment of the year. Especially considering I almost never go anywhere that doesn't have central AC, clean restrooms, and an absence of any and all six-legged creatures that enjoy burrowing in your underwear and leaving your ladyparts feeling like they've been tatto.... more >>

by Nino Alejandro de la Torre, age 5

Once upon a time, there was a dragon named Tuna Salad. He was purple with green wings and orange colored spots. And he had one hundred eyeballs all over his body. And he liked to eat tuna salad. With pickles. And relish.

Well, Tuna Salad had some friends who were eels. These eels were blue and black with pink polka dot spots. And their names were Pode Bo and Nose Nose and Burger Burger and Dog Dog. The eels were mean but they liked to eat apples and ice cream and candy. Especially in bed under the covers .... more >>

Several months ago, my father began a love affair with a Fart Machine. You see, he initially bought the Fart Machine as a gag gift for my nephew. But the Fart Machine was such an overnight sensation that he went back and bought several more which he then beneficently gifted to various members of our family (including my own children).

He also took the Fart Machine to school one day, where he is a volu.... more >>

Yesterday I went over to a friend's home who I hadn't seen in a couple of years. Somehow, in that short period of time, her children had all but grown up. Her older daughters are both in college now. And her son, who was just a baby last I saw him, is now old enough that he willing bestowed a boatload of his formerly beloved toys upon us. When I asked him if he was really cool with giving up all this awesome loot, he looked at me like I was half-crazed and said very seriously, “I'm way too old for toys now. I just like to play games and surf the Inter.... more >>

We went down to the pond the other day to feed the geese. In typical toddler tyrant fashion, Diego directed me the entire way to the pond from his stroller/throne. “Go dat way!” he screeched pointing toward a poison ivy infested tangle completely off the forest path.

“Me eat grapes!” he declared a few minutes later, after he had finished tantrumming over the fact that I wouldn't roll him directly through the center of the poison ivy jungle. From over the top of the stroller, I could just see the tips of his chubby fingers thrust into .... more >>

As previously mentioned in my blog, dining out with toddlers can be an exercise in torture and humiliation. Before I had kids, I looked forward to eating at hip new restaurants. Now I feel frightened and ashamed when I dine in any establishment that doesn't have a play area, an in-house balloon twister, or a man dressed in a fuzzy mouse suit. Throughout the years I have developed some strategies for dining out with young children. (And no, they don't involve leaving your children lock.... more >>

I love my GPS lady. She came with our van. Factory installed. Along with the DVD player that I worship because it keeps my kids silent and drooling when I just need a little break to collect my thoughts. Sometimes, after a particularly stressful day that may or may not have involved a powdered sugar explosion, finger-painting with green poop, a sink clogged with toilet paper, and an invasion of chocolate-covered acrobat ants who carried away my lunch (don't ask), I load everyone up in the van just to get away. A mini-vacation of sorts. I swing by Sonic and equip eve.... more >>

So today we interviewed a Montessori school for possible enrollment for Nino in the fall. This school was like Nirvana. Especially when compared to the experience Nino had when he attended a local public school for two days during which he did nothing but sit in silence at a desk and do worksheets for seven hours straight without being allowed to even use the restroom.

Meanwhile, the children in this school are raising chickens on the school's picturesque five-acre property which also contains a pond, solar-powered rainwater collection devices, a soccer .... more >>

There is so much pressure for perfection in our mom-o-theistic society. Aside from trying to live a healthy, organic lifestyle—everywhere I look I am barraged by media that makes me feel I should also be hip, trendy, and fabulous. Is it not enough to try and make it through each day without having a nervous breakdown when you have babies and toddlers in the house? No, get out there and be fashionable. Didn't you get the memo that skinny jeans were back in style? How did you miss the workshop on oversize purses?

The truth is, it is simply not p.... more >>

In my pre-children days, I considered myself a pacifist. I envisioned my future children and I attending beautiful peace rallies while wearing tie-dyed all-hemp jumpers and singing Kumbaya with other children gathered from around the world, swaying and dancing in the gentle breezes on a flowered hilltop just like in a Coca-cola commercial (except without the blatant commercialism and poisonous Coke drinking). It was going to be grand.

Now I have two boys ages five and two and despite my vigorous attempts to inculcate them in the Kumbaya rainbow peace rally l.... more >>

Before my dad bestowed the Fart Machine and its miraculous and wonderful pleasures upon my family, it was his. It had been given to him by my sister as a birthday present. (Do you see a pattern here? And does this give you any idea of the kind of depraved family from which I was spawned?)

Shortly before my dad decided to pass on the Fart Machine, he went shopping with the Fart Machine in his pocket. Why would he do such a thing? I have no idea. But the answer might explain any num.... more >>

My sister-in-law recently got a pair of puppies. Since my boys are pet-deprived, they were beyond ecstatic to meet them. Diego raced around the apartment shrieking and demanding that the puppies love him and cuddle in his lap, while the puppies wisely attempted to save their own lives by squeezing themselves into the furthest reaches beneath the couch. Meanwhile, Nino sat quietly on the floor until the puppies finally ambled up (during a moment of Diego distraction), crawled into his lap, and promptly fell asleep (being quite tuckered out of course after all the Die.... more >>

When Nino was two I became pregnant. At some point during my pregnancy, my husband and I began discussing possible names for the baby. Nino, ever an active participant in all adult conversations, told us that he wanted to name the baby “Rainbow Unicorn.”

I didn't want to crush his little soul, but Rainbow Unicorn just wasn't exactly my first choice for baby names. In fact, it really wasn't in my top 800. So I told him that I was actually thinking Diego might be a nice name.

Nino looked at me with a pained expression on his lit.... more >>

Check all that apply:

· You have nursed your baby while as a passenger of a car going 60 miles per hour without unbuckling either yourself or your baby from his car seat.

· You have nursed your child in any position that resembles one highlighted in the Partners Yoga Guide.

· While nursing, your baby dances, sings, and blows raspberries on your nipples all to the beat of “Bust a Move” playing in the background.

· While nursing, your baby is determined to continue holding any number of random toy.... more >>

Spring is here. It's time to get out there and enjoy that glorious sunshine instead of staying holed up in your house watching Sponge Bob and playing with Happy Meal toys…er…I mean doing educational and stimulating activities with the kiddos all day long.

We went to the park yesterday with a group of friends. And while it was definitely stimulating (keeping roving toddlers from exploring the Port-a-Potties with their tongues) and certainly educational (small objects found in the sandbox do not always tast.... more >>

After reading Peryl's snort-water-through-your-nose hilarious post at Parenting Ad Absurdum about Kid-Tested Travel Tips, I was inspired to write this post on how to play with your enthusiastic and effervescent toddler.

Playing with toddlers can be an exercise in boredom or one of the most breathtaking moments of your life. Or both, simultaneously. The enthusiasm of young children is contagious. Watching their genu.... more >>

Once you get past the crazy infant stage where your baby's sleep is as erratic as your postpartum sex life, most parents are eager to get their baby on a good sleep schedule.

However despite your best intentions, sleep just doesn't always come easy. And no matter what a miraculous sleeper your child might truly be (and if you happen to have spawned one of these delightful creatures, please know that I detest you deeply), everyone has had at least one night when you simply cannot get your baby or child to go to sleep. You nurse, you rock, you cuddle, you beg,.... more >>

Never underestimate the Power of Mami. Mami is a force like no other. She can heal wounds, read minds, see through walls, clean an entire house in under 24 minutes, and concoct a wholesome meal out of nothing but crackers, string cheese, and peanut brittle.

Do not double-cross her. If you do, you will most certainly regret it. You may find yourself without clean socks and underwear for weeks at a time. Or find that your favorite light saber or American Girl doll has “mysteriously disappeared.” You could find yourself at school with nothing in you.... more >>

If there is a Hell for parents of small children, I believe it is the Post Office. The Post Office is my nemesis. My archenemy. My bitter adversary. The bane of my existence.

Maybe that sounds absurd.

What could possibly be so horrifying about the quiet unassuming Post Office that never hurt anyone? The place where upstanding citizens go to mail packages and buy small booklets of stamps emblazoned with pictures of American heroes.

Well, I will tell you. When you have small children, performing any activity that invo.... more >>

Channeling is very popular these days. There are celebrities channeling spirit guides, writers channeling dead celebrities, and then there is my son—channeling Sponge Bob. You see it all started when he was two and a halfish. I was getting tired of watching the Wonder Pets and Dora the Explorer. So much so that if I heard someone say, “Wonder Pets, Wonder Pets, we're on our way!” or “Swiper stop swiping!” one more time I was confident I would have a psychotic break.

Enter Sponge Bob. I truly cannot recall the e.... more >>

So this week is Spring Break—which is awesome because me and the boyz are really living it up. We're out 24/7 running the streets and enjoying some rollicking toddler debauchery such as frequenting the local museums, parks, zoo, and Chick Fil-A with wild abandon. BUT since their Mother's Day Out program is closed, this also means I have no time to write riveting blog posts, or surf the Internetz for hours at a time, or keep up with my chin hair/knee bang issues, or stop the 82 loads of clean but unfolded laundry from taking over my home.

Have you seen the TV show Hoarders? Where people become so addicted to their stuff that it becomes a sickness and nothing but the glitterazzi of reality TV can save them from themselves? I caught a glimpse of it last night and while I watched these people cry over the loss of empty boxes, beer can collections, stacks of useless paperwork, and broken electronics, I wondered silently if maybe I needed to apply as a participant on this show.

You see it all started when I was a child. My parents were very strict with o.... more >>

Below is a story that Nino wrote and illustrated when he was four entitled “Electric Eels.” This was before Diego was old enough to make it impossible to do any and all craft projects without complete and total destruction of our home. Nino wrote a lot of stories during this time. Most of them seem to have endings of the apocalyptic sort. Do you think this has any implications on my mothering skills? Anyway, here it is. Despite it's ominous ending, I still think it's really cute.

*******************************************************************.... more >>

Recently my friend Sarah went to deliver a meal to a friend of hers who just had a new baby. The lovely home cooked meal consisted of chicken, pasta, organic field green salad, French bread, and brownies. After she dropped off the food, Sarah's friend invited her in for a moment. They decided to have some of the brownies together.

After tasting the brownies, her friend asked, “Are these made from a box mix?”

“Yes,” Sarah admitted.

“Oh. I see. Well … we don't really eat brownie mixes you see. Becaus.... more >>

So this morning, I decided to be a really stellar mom and pull out the Play Doh when my children woke up at 5:15 a.m. I didn't whine. I didn't complain. In fact, we had a grand old time making flowers and unicorns and cupcakes and poo. (Somebody's always got to make Play Doh poo—it's a family tradition.) I was all happy-happy-joy-joy, I'm such a great mom. It's only 5:30 in the morning and I'm already doing something educational and stimulating with my children.

I was just about to award myself some kind of mommy medal or trophy or something w.... more >>

So my dad came into town to visit. He arrived, as usual, bearing fart jokes and fabulously unusual presents for the kids. Before you read any further, you must know that if you do not enjoy scatological humor, you should probably not read this post as my dad is Lifetime Chair of the Scatological Humor Club. And I am his Personal Secretary.

My entire childhood was filled with jokes such as, “(Loud farting sound followed by wickedly bad smells.) Girls! Did you hear that? That must have been an elephant running under the table.” This scene, of cours.... more >>

I know this isn't a typical post for me, but I am humbly asking for your prayers to the people affected by Chilean earthquake. This morning at 3:20 a.m. Chile was hit with an 8.8 magnitude quake followed by numerous aftershocks. The damage is widespread throughout several of the nation's largest cities including Santiago and Concepcion.

For those of you who read my blog regularly, you know that when I was in college I spent a semester abroad in Santiago and still have friends a.... more >>

As previously mentioned in my blog, my children are nudists. Particularly Diego who refuses to wear any and all clothes with the exception of a single pair of orange shorts. These orange shorts are not just any shorts. These shorts are Diego's beloved. Part teddy-bear, part-blanket, part clothes. They are multifunctional and irreplaceable.

If Diego becomes separated from his beloved at any point in time (such as when said shorts must undergo a bi-monthly disinfecting/washing), tragedy .... more >>

This is what a small friend of mine told his grandma recently. To him it was the highest, most grandiose, flamboyant expression of love he could imagine.

I mean, seriously, to a five year old … what could possibly be more wonderful than the moist, sweet, chocolaty, sprinkle-covered goodness of a doughnut?

Which reminds me of an experience we had yesterday at a birthday party. The party was at a local bounce house joint called Pump It Up. If you are between the ages of 2 and 102 and have never been to a party at Pump It Up, you have not lived. .... more >>

This is my version of “Not Me Mondays” from a wonderful blog that everyone should visit, MckMama. I know it's not Monday. And I don't have the cool linky thing, cuz I'm lame like that. But I want to participate even in all my low-tech glory. So here goes…

I did not serve my children frozen corn dogs this morning for breakfast, followed by a large helping of chocolate cake. Nor did I tell them that it would be all right to eat said gourmet breakfast directly on the living room carpet becau.... more >>

Nino told me this morning that he wants to go live with his aunt Janice. I get it. Janice is nice, fun, and according to Nino, “plays lots of games with me, buys me presents, and never puts me in time-out.” I would move in with her too if she'd let me.

Even though I know that he's just a kid and by the time that he's in sixth grade he'll probably be telling me hates me and wishes I would move to Australia on a regular basis, I was devastated by this. It was the first time in Nino's short life that he had expressed something th.... more >>

The other night my husband came home from work singing/chanting “Oh my MOMMA, oh my HOOD, I look FLY, I look GOOD, I look FLY, I look GOOD….”

I stared at him for a minute while he continued his rap revelry and then I said, “Now … what was that?”

“That's my anthem, yo!” he declared tossing his hands into the air. And then he strutted off down the hall throwing imaginary gang signs and chanting under his breath, “Cuz I look FLY and I look GOOD….”

And I thought, if.... more >>

Why is it that when toddlers are almost (but not quite) ready to potty train, they become strictly confidential about their business and feel they must steal away to a secret hideout while they drop The Big One? I know it's not just my children, because even other kids I babysit do the exact same thing. One minute they are happily rolling trucks up and down my stereo speakers or sticking Lego in their bellybuttons … the next they are off in a secluded corner squatting, grunting, and giving you dirty looks when you come by to check on them.

You'.... more >>

The other night, I went to bed after my children were already asleep. When I laid down, I felt something wet beneath me. Because I sleep with my children, there are often mystery wet spots in the bed so this situation was not particularly alarming at first. The wetness could be due to any variety of typical family-bed factors. Namely sweat, pee, drool, or other random secretions. I tend to prefer sweat and drool to pee, but I don't usually have a choice, of course.

I reached down to examine the mystery wetness and it felt kind of … well, curdy. H.... more >>

My mother's parents were fascinating people. They were radical socialists, traveled the world several times over, believed in acupuncture and Chinese medicine, and yet still managed to evince a perfect all-American “Leave It to Beaver” façade when you viewed their family from the outside.

When my grandma was in her fifties, she published a book entitled, Around the World in 99 Beds. This was followed quickly by another book entitled, Around Africa in 89 Beds. I'm not sure whether it ever occurred to her that this could so.... more >>

Before I was a parent, I was obsessed with beautiful wooden toys. I was convinced that I would be one of these moms that never bought cheap plastic crap for my children to play with. Only educationally stimulating, ergonomically designed, wooden or cloth playthings for us. No trashy Polly Pockets, mechanical hamsters, plastic superheroes, guns, swords, video games, or other such nonsense.

Want to know what my house is filled with? Plastic crap. And lots of it.

Of course, we also have plenty of gorgeous wooden toys, knitted toys, metal toys, and any o.... more >>

Since becoming a mother, I've done lots of things that I would have never forecast in my pre-children life. Killing cockroaches with my bare feet, camping in the rain, breastfeeding a two-and-a-half-year-old, using gas station bathrooms, smelling another person's rear end, carrying a dead bird for two miles out of the forest … the list goes on.

I'm not the only one. Ask any mother you meet and she can list innumerable acts of love she has performed for her children. But my friend Juliana takes the cake for the most outrageous act of love I.... more >>

Since I started this blog a few months ago, I have been overwhelmed with how supportive and generous my readers have been. You have no idea how much time I spend stalking the computer checking for my next comment or blog related email. (But my husband would be happy to give you the demented details, right after he forcibly enrolls me in Blog Addicts Anonymous.) Truth is--I live and breathe your reactions to my stories.

It is fun to write. But it is infinitely more fun when you know there are folks are there who are laughing with you as you spray macaroni bio.... more >>

My son Nino wants a pet. Bad. Every time we go to the mall he lingers at the pet store, his face plastered to the windows as he begs me repeatedly for a dog, a cat, a fish, a lizard, a snake, a hermit crab, a Madagascar hissing cockroach … really anything, anything at all that could be considered a pet. I've tried to convince him to get a pet rock, but he is not interested. “I want something that lives and moves, Mami. Something I can hold and love.”

I understand. I grew up with pets. According to my mother, when I was three I was inspired.... more >>

Despite our valiant efforts to be green and low-impact, not all organic projects have a happy ending. I love the story my (super organic) friend Silvina told me about her quest to get her brood of free-range chickens to produce Omega 3 fortified eggs.

Silvina's chickens seemed willing to eat anything. Wood chips, rusty nails, gravel, clumps of dirt, their own poop—it couldn't be that hard to get them to eat feed that was enriched with Omega 3, could it?

Silvina went eagerly to purchase an expensive bag of organic Omega 3 enriched chicken feed. .... more >>

I wanted to wish all of my wonderful friends, bloggy buddies, and family a very Merry Christmas.

I am so grateful for all the support you have given me. Thank you for humoring me and endlessly reading my navel-watching posts about barf, play areas, breast pumps, and poop. I love you guys! XOXOXOXXOX

What is it about going to a restaurant that moves my children's bowels? For some unknown reason, every time we go out to eat, my boys are suddenly overcome with the acute need to drop The Big One. The timing is always exquisite. Seconds before the food arrives, one of them will announce, “I need to poop!”

Then, of course, I have to spend the next 30 minutes in the bathroom while my five-year-old takes the Guinness Book of World Records' longest poop in documented history. Meanwhile, all I can think about is my delicious food that is getting cold .... more >>

When my sister-in-law Bonnie was sixteen and my brother-in-law Raphael was two, Bonnie decided to play hairdresser on Raphael. Since her two-year-old client didn't have much say in the matter, she decided upon a popular style at the time—the two-toned look.

Bonnie thought Raphael would look hip with a small circle bleached into his tiny Afro. But for some reason, the bleach took permanent effect and ever since then Raphael's black hair has sported an eighties-style blond swatch right up front.

I remember the endless hours of pleasure my.... more >>

My beautiful friend Dawn decided to dread her hair. Did I mention that she was a Mary Kay consultant just last year? She is the gorgeous gal who ran around with perfect makeup and shiny bouncing locks, passing out cards and Mary Kay freebies in the blink of an eye, and looking like she was about to win that pink car any second. I swear.

Motherhood drove her to it, she said. She was tired of enduring the daily torture as her baby ripped individual strands from her head one-by-one, while she tried to be a good attachment parent and wore the adorable little mun.... more >>

Ever since I was forced to be pump-dependent for 6 months while my son was tongue-tied and couldn't nurse, I've had this glorious vision of myself beating my breast pump to smithereens like that scene from the movie Office Space where the employees murder the diabolical fax machine.

The only reason I never did the dirty deed is because, unfortunately, I still need the pump occasionally. (For overnight dates and such.) And it cost $320. Which is probably too much to pay for ten.... more >>

It's all my fault. I should have never tried to grind up two pounds of rancid macaroni and cheese in my garbage disposal. That was my first mistake, which led to my kitchen sink getting backed up with a thick, viscous, yellow, mucous-looking soup that was surely just ground up noodles mixed with dirty water, but appeared to be a deadly biohazard.

My second mistake was to use our industrial strength toilet plunger in my attempts to unclog the kitchen sink. This led to me being sprayed continuously in the face with yellow soup laced with toilet bacteria. Altho.... more >>

We're out for our ritual family fine dining experience. I'm seated at Cici's Pizza in front of two steaming slices of macaroni and cheese pizza. As I prepare to take the first delectable bite, Diego pops up at my side. He is chewing gum.

I didn't give him any gum. “Where did the gum come from?” I ask Diego while trying to pry it out of his mouth with both hands. Diego develops a sudden case of lockjaw. I decide to leave his mouth alone for a minute as he has agreed to lead me to the gum's mysterious origin.

He waves me.... more >>

I'm all for decency. Really, I am. But during the potty training years, there have been many times when I encouraged my children to urinate publicly in order to avoid an accident.

For example, say you're at the park. No bathroom to speak of. All of a sudden, your recently potty trained toddler has to go. Do you jump into the car and brave the ten-minute ride home, fully cognizant of the fact that you will have to dissemble the car seat completely if an accident happens?

Not me. I just tell my son to sidle up to the nearest tree and give it a .... more >>

When I was thirteen, my sister Nina lived in a nudist colony. She is eight years older than me and must have been in college at the time. I remember my mom planning a family visit to Nina's that involved numerous secretive phone calls in hushed tones and whispers. Somehow, through various undercover efforts and spy techniques, my little sister Aliza and I figured out what was going on.

We were shocked. Nina was living is a house with a bunch of naked people?

Seriously?

This was also around the time that my mom had given me “The Talk.... more >>

My husband and I are overprotective. We rarely leave our children. But when my mom moved in with us earlier this year, things began to change. My mom is wonderful with the kids and we feel very safe with her watching them. I began to be able to run out to the store on my own occasionally, or go to the gym, or meet a friend for a quick cup of coffee.

It felt like liberation to me. But Diego was not as thrilled. He began to perform what we named, “The Mommy Stakeout.” This involved him sitting in front of the door where he believed I might emerge a.... more >>

It's Friday night and the mood is right. My mom has offered to babysit the children. My husband has guaranteed that he will leave work at a reasonable time. I have managed to shower, deodorize, and even trim my knee bangs-all during a single 24-minute episode of Sponge Bob.

Okay, I'm ready for Date Night. If you are a parent, you know what I mean. I am not talking about the kind of dates you went on when you were single and childless. Dates that began at 11 p.m. and involved endless hours of rollicking debauchery and roaming the city from one dazzling.... more >>

My husband has a theory about courtship. In his own words, his theory is as follows:

Dating = thong. Marriage = full coverage underwear.

You see, I think it all started because he felt somehow deceived. When we were dating, I wore thongs regularly. I wore suits to work and dresses when we went out dancing. It only made sense to wear thongs. I was avoiding panty lines.

Then we got married and, well, things got a little more relaxed. The courtship phase was over and though I certainly cared what Danny thought and wanted him to think I was sexy .... more >>

Thanks to Alexandria Campbell—devoted mother, aspiring singer/writer/designer, and extremely talented blogger—I have been featured on Bloggerazzi!

Pop on over to beforethebabywakes.blogspot.com and you can find out all kinds of thrilling and titillating tidbits about me such as:

· whether or not I pick my kids' boogers,
· my views on the H1N1 vaccine,
· how 30 loads of laundry threatened to take over my home, and
·.... more >>

My husband has failed at his husbandly duties. I feel shocked and betrayed. This morning I discovered no less than four black hairs growing on my chin. These hairs were so thick they could have been pubic hair. If they were any closer together, I could have braided them.

When I asked my husband why he hadn't mentioned the pubic hair growing on my chin, he told me that he loved me and truly hadn't noticed. I informed him that now that we have multiple small children—it is his duty to keep my appearance under control. Didn't he remember the marriage vows.... more >>

On the radio the dj was talking about her childhood. According to her, she had always loved to talk. When her mom needed to run errands around town, she would sit in the back of the car chatting away as they dropped off the rent check, picked up the groceries, paid the electric bill. One day, she was asking a string of big questions. Why is the sky blue? How big is the world? Why can't people fly like birds? Will our dog go to heaven? What does God look like?

Her mother had been humoring her all along and carefully answering every question..... more >>

I'm always looking for new ways to entertain my children. As a stay-at- home mom of toddlers, that is my constant purpose. At the same time, I always try my best not to destroy our home or the contents of our backyard.

My husband is a wonderful man and truly appreciates all the work I do. He is famous for giving me flowers for no reason at all and for complimenting me on how “clean” the house looks when in fact it is almost always at least semi-filthy and littered with toys.

However, on a rare few occasions, he has been at least slightly .... more >>

Today was one of those days when everything went right. The kids woke up at a reasonable 6:30 a.m. I cooked a healthy breakfast that everyone ate and no one threw all over the carpet. The kids played quietly with Play-Doh while I cleaned up. Nobody had a temper tantrum. Nobody spilled juice on the carpet or wiped their hands on my clean pants. Nobody asked for candy or television. Nobody decided to dump six toy bins in the middle of the kitchen and mix all the contents together. Nobody got locked in the bathroom. And nobody sneaked into the pantry and tasted the Oxi.... more >>

My sister Aliza tells me that she would have sold her right arm for a chance to play Barbies with me when she was seven years old. You see, I just wasn't a Barbie kind of girl. I was too busy writing encyclopedias or reading Little House on the Prairie books or memorizing the planets backwards in alphabetical order or ironing my uniform for Rainbow Nerd Scouts. I must have played with her sometimes, because I do recall being outraged when she decided to give all of her Barbies haircuts and they ended up looking like a bunch of chemo patients. I told her it .... more >>

When I was six and my sister Aliza was three, I convinced her to eat cat food to impress our babysitter. According to my recollection, I told her it was graham crackers and she was quite delighted. Somehow, I don't recall whether this actually impressed our babysitter or not, nor do I remember if I received any punishment for this wayward act.

The cat chow/graham cracker incident was not the only mean thing I did to my sister while we were growing up. If you ask her, she will probably tell you about the time I jumped atop the toilet when I knew she had to pe.... more >>

According to In Touch Weekly (the source of all respectable tabloid news), Octomom Nadya Suleman and Kate Gosselin of Jon & Kate Plus 8 are in the biggest catfight of the year. Apparently, Nadya invited to Kate to appear in the two-hour documentary, Octomom: The Incredible Unseen Footage, which recently aired on August 19, 2009. Kate never returned her phone calls and the battle was on.

Nadya accused Kate of having a “fake” reality show, called her “attention-seeking” and said she had a hotter post-baby .... more >>

When I was a waitress, I despised families. Families ranked up there with the worst potential restaurant patrons. Perverts, sleazeballs, meal splitters, meal modifiers, rude people, stalkers and even bad tippers rank above them. Why? Because families are horrible. Messy, demanding, obnoxious and notoriously bad tippers on top of everything else, they are the worst kind of social pariah. Every time you even glance in their general direction, they are clamoring for extra napkins, crackers and straws; insisting on ordering something that isn't even on the menu; breakin.... more >>

The 2009 Summer Momolympics will be held in Omaha, Nebraska and will include the following 12 sports within the Infant/Toddler Division. Medals will be awarded on a per-event basis. Bungee-jumping while attempting to dose toddlers with Tylenol is no longer an official Momolympic Sport.

If you wish to participate in the 2009 Summer Momolympics in any of the following categories, please register online at http://www.organicmotherhoodwithcoolwhip.com.

1. Tastiest organic meal made in under 30 minutes while holding a screaming infant and doing spin art w.... more >>

It was a typical day in the de la Torre family. The entire family was awakened at 5:58 am when Diego (who had just turned two) decided to Riverdance on all our faces. (Because we co-sleep, this means that when one of the kids gets up, pretty soon the entire family will be up as well. Especially if the one who wakes up feels moved to express his enthusiasm with an Irish jig atop our collective faces.)

While I was preparing breakfast, Diego somehow managed to get hold of a purple marker, with which he decorated not only his entire body and face, but also the len.... more >>

I love to receive parenting tips from random strangers. I love it when I am walking toward the mall in the 107 degree heat of the Texas summer and, out of nowhere, someone appears and tells me that my baby is cold and should be wearing socks. Or, when I am walking through the forest preserve while wearing my infant in a sling and someone gets off their bike to tell me that they think my baby's neck is most probably broken. Or when I am eating in restaurant and nursing my two-year-old and someone comes up to ask me just how long I plan on nursing. And did I know .... more >>

Traveling with small children is like taking a shower, fully naked, in front of a room full of strangers. All your defects are fully exposed and open for mass criticism. It is hard enough to keep small children entertained and out of trouble in your own home with buckets of toys, books and games. But try keeping them not only entertained, but quiet and seated, for three whole hours, while dozens of people watch you, sneering and rolling their eyes at any misstep or infraction.

I will never forget the time I traveled by myself for the first time with my six-mon.... more >>