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Blood, Sweat, Tears, and Other Secretions

Posted on Thursday, January 21, 2010 — Listed under Daily Grind
Jan 21

The other night, I went to bed after my children were already asleep. When I laid down, I felt something wet beneath me. Because I sleep with my children, there are often mystery wet spots in the bed so this situation was not particularly alarming at first. The wetness could be due to any variety of typical family-bed factors. Namely sweat, pee, drool, or other random secretions. I tend to prefer sweat and drool to pee, but I don't usually have a choice, of course.

I reached down to examine the mystery wetness and it felt kind of … well, curdy. Hmmmmm … curdy … not exactly a good sign. I flipped on the light and sure enough, Nino was covered in puke. It was all over his face, the pillow, his T-shirt, the blankets, etc. Poor baby.

I was surprised that I hadn't heard him vomiting, since we always keep the doors open, but somehow I had missed it. Now I needed to get him up, give him a shower, put him in fresh pajamas, take his temperature, give him a remedy, remake the bed, put him back to sleep, shower myself, get dressed, and wash the sheets, blankets, and pillows—all while trying not to disturb Diego who was also sleeping in this same bed. If there is a mathematical equation for that one, I'd like to see it, and please email me a copy of the answer key as well, thank you very much. (Serves me right for being a raging hippie family bed freak, right?)

No one told me before I became a mom that I was going to be dealing with bloodborne pathogens, biohazards, and other unknown contaminants on a daily basis. It was all happy-happy-joy-joy, congratulations on your tiny bundle of love. No one mentioned that one day soon I would be trying to catch this bundle of love's puke in my very own hands, as he projectile vomits across the room, only because this is most certainly preferable to Wet-Vacing our already nasty, permanently stained off-white cloth furniture and carpets.

From now on, I'm not giving any more hand knit blankets, stuffed animals, rattles, and other useless crap at baby showers. I'm going to buy each new mom I know a durable all-purpose biohazard suit with a matching hooded gas mask. I even found a website that sells them in bulk for only $5 a pop. I don't think it would be weird at all. I would be overjoyed if I received a case of 25 of these bad boys, proven to provide serious protection if your job involves crime scene investigation, forensic medicine, laboratory work, or, of course—the daily trials and tribulations of motherhood.
 




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19 comments | Add your own »

Sadly the only tricks I know to use are some sort of under sheet liner and cover the mess up with a thick towel until morning.

Comments by Jes
Tuesday, February 02, 2010 at 12:23:41 PM

This is great - perhaps you could start a whole new on-line business for new mothers? Bio-suits of course, but large bin for throwing our glorious tasty food you have cooked for 3 hours, self-applying make-up, an extra hour or two pe day?? thanks for your comments on mine - looking forward to hearing your news.

Comments by Mummy Mania
Monday, January 25, 2010 at 4:21:26 AM

Ahhh!!! That was great!! LOL!! If we have another, you owe me a biosuit!!!

Comments by Dawn
Monday, January 25, 2010 at 12:58:53 AM

P.S. i just wanted to say also that I agree with your not giving anyone pretty, useless, ruin-able things for baby showers. What I ALWAYS give is a book called Baby 411- which gives the skinny on all those nasty, smelly, terrifying and ugly things that come along with having those tiny bundles of love! LOL!

Comments by brae
Sunday, January 24, 2010 at 10:33:18 PM

Awww, poor angel. I hate that. Nothing sicker than puke. Thanks for the follow and comments on my blog! I absolutely love yours!!! Following now! Can't wait to read more.

Comments by brae
Sunday, January 24, 2010 at 10:31:08 PM

I think you are on to something. The biohazard suit people should really start marketing to moms.

Comments by Unknown Mami
Saturday, January 23, 2010 at 10:00:04 PM

lmao. I agree with the "it was all happy happy joy joy congratulations on your tiny bundle of love." Nor biohazard warning, no friendly note that you'd be punched or kicked or headbutted in some soft part at least one day for the next five years (accidentally and otherwise). No hint at the need for enzymatic cleansers in EVERY room. I say add two thermometers to that shower kit...one clearly marked RECTAL so they start thinking about that end more than the slightly more popular and generally just as messy end.

Comments by naptimewriting
Friday, January 22, 2010 at 7:41:25 PM

I agree! Just today I had to hold my daughter down at the drs. office while her blood was drawn. I feel like my daily life now involves some sort of bodily fluid at every turn!

Comments by Sarah C.
Friday, January 22, 2010 at 7:22:20 PM

i'll admit i clicked on the link to check out the suit. it could be so nice when it comes to the nasty stuff ;)

Comments by teresa
Friday, January 22, 2010 at 1:51:10 PM

Ha!! That was so funny (er...for us). If my daughter ends up in my bed - I sneak into hers! Really I don't think there's anything wrong with having them in your bed every now and then. They won't want to talk to us by age 14. Swati

Comments by Swati
Friday, January 22, 2010 at 10:52:53 AM

ay! I enjoy having my daughter sleep with me at nap times and in the morning, but I just can't bring myself to sleep with her at night. I've tried it, but she likes to sleep horizontally making an H between mommy and daddy, and mommy ends up almost falling off the bed. She also won't stop trying to eat at night if I let her in the bed. Now that she's night weaning, she only eats maybe once a night but soon it will be none. You're a stronger mother than I am, because almost all those bodily secretions gross me out, and a lot of the time I have daddy clean up the mess. lol Sometimes I let baby girl be the boss, but when it comes down to it, I have to put my foot down on some things, otherwise I think I will lose my sanity. Have you decided when you are going to wean your bebe? I have to give you kudos, I'm barely holding on and we're still in the first year. Good luck with everything, and thanks for stopping by and taking the time to leave comments. I heart you! http://halemom.com

Comments by erica
Friday, January 22, 2010 at 10:11:23 AM

I totally agree that would be the most perfect, practical present ever! Thank so much for the comments on my recent post. Love your blog. x (www.somemothersdoaveem.blogspot.com)

Comments by Nicola
Friday, January 22, 2010 at 10:06:43 AM

Wouldn't I just love to see the expression on the expectant mother's face who opens up your gift? LOL

Comments by blueviolet
Friday, January 22, 2010 at 5:38:54 AM

Only $5? I'm getting one! I could use one at home and one at school... Thanks so much for the laugh tonight!

Comments by Susan
Thursday, January 21, 2010 at 8:02:28 PM

Too funny. Been there!

Comments by Dalia
Thursday, January 21, 2010 at 7:03:42 PM

If I could get a dollar for every time I wished for a good biohazard suit.... I hate nights like those. I never intended to have a family bed, but on any given night we usually have at least two kids in with us anyway. Hope you got some rest.

Comments by Zen Mom
Thursday, January 21, 2010 at 4:41:18 PM

I too was in favor of the family bed when I had my first son (does that surprise you?). I decided that it was not for me after I had a similar experience. Unfortunately, he was my first, and I did not enjoy cry it out because it made my ears bleed. I did put Ansley in a crib (and later LC). That did not change the fact that I had a bed buddy for 5 years. Five long years of puke, pee and slobber. I totally am on board with the hasmat suits. At the very least a fashionable Michael Jackson surgical mask (I shit you not I thought hard about getting all of us one when H1N1 broke out). I will bedazzle you one if ya want?!

Comments by April
Thursday, January 21, 2010 at 2:57:25 PM

You made me laugh b/c I have compared my role as mother to that of a crime scene investigator on more than one occassion. And I'd totally be down for the biohazard suit! LOL.

Comments by existentialwaitress
Thursday, January 21, 2010 at 12:51:37 PM

awww... poor nino :( hope he's all right, and the rest of you too, of course :)

Comments by elise
Thursday, January 21, 2010 at 12:33:43 PM


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