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Cool Whip + Vagina (& Other Things My Blog Is Not)

Posted on Thursday, February 04, 2010 — Listed under What Your Doctor Didn't Tell You
Feb 4

Because I am neurotic and because I stalk my blog repeatedly for new comments and because when I am not stalking my blog I am stalking Google Analytics to see how many people are visiting my blog by the hour, where they are coming from, and what they are looking for—I have come across a number of fascinating keyword searches that have resulted in Organic Motherhood with Cool Whip blog visits.

Cool Whip + Vagina is one of them.

So let me start by clearing the air. This is a wholesome, family-oriented blog, full of PG rated material. Excepting, of course, that one post I did on Granny Porn, and maybe that other one where I referred to myself as resembling a stripper with my rock solid milk-full breasts. I guess there could be others …

Anyway, moving along, the point is if you are looking for titillating tips on how to use Cool Whip in your next erotic rendezvous with a gas station prostitute, you have come to the wrong spot. You might want to check out Cool Whip Is Lube or Steel Vaginas or some other Internet hot spots where you will most certainly find such tidbits readily available.

I have also learned from my constant mental humping of Google Analytics that Cool Whip is extremely very popular. Way more so than I would have ever anticipated when I first started this blog. Every day people stumble across my blog while searching for such crucial information as:

Cool Whip sandwich
High Heels and Cool Whip
How to make my Cool Whip harder
Cool Whip and baby porn
Cool Whip perverts
Cool Whip digestive problems
Cool Whip and hives
Avocados and Cool Whip
Cat food and Cool Whip
Cool Whip and BPA
Cool Whip in bra
Cool Whip and rotten corn
Cool Whip for brain development
Cool Whip diarrhea

I could go on, but I think you've probably got the main idea.

However, Cool Whip is not the only riveting topic that keeps people coming to my blog. There have also been 227 (count them) searches for penis envy organic. Granny porn with manky is another favorite. My sister is a nudist. Nurse whipped men. Teachers peeing on picnics. My nipples are so big. I think nudists follow me. Placenta eaters on picnics. Velour underwear is hot. How to stop my duck from pecking me. Deodorizing decomposing gecko smell. Mosquito sandpit rendezvous. Nurse costume humiliation. Granny wears a thong. And my personal favorite—What is a love pimple?

So listen up all you depraved sickos. This is really not a porn blog after all. So maybe penises, nipples, thongs, nudism, vaginas, Brazilian bikini waxes, magical breasts, granny porn, and Cool Whip are regularly featured in my posts.

So what?

It's all completely innocent. Really. I'm not a pervert, fetishist, voyeur, or kinky sexual deviant. I'm an upstanding citizen with good values, moral decency, and a virtuous and immaculate past. Excepting the time that I got caught in 8th grade making out with some boy in our laundry room by my dad, after which said boy was chased for four blocks through the neighborhood by a very angry and red-faced father. Or the time that my little sister and I discovered a Playboy magazine in the bathroom of one of our parents' friends' homes and we hijacked it and secretly devoured it from cover to cover. Or the time … okay maybe I should change the rating of this blog to at least PG-13. What do you think?
 




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25 comments | Add your own »

It's scary isn't it, I did a search once and I got many varieties of things you can do with your mammy, all of them ones I could never discuss in a family orientated blog such as yours. There are loads of crazies out there, I don't even know what cool whip is (we don't have it in Ireland) but I imagine it is something like icecream but maybe not cold?

Comments by Irish Mammy
Wednesday, May 12, 2010 at 12:12:19 PM

I used to have another blog and I had the SAME thing happen. I had the weirdest keywords coming up in my Analytics. LMAO. (I'm also neurotic and like comments and visitors...I hear you there!!) People are crazy when it comes to what they look up, and even weirder that our blogs come up in that!

Comments by kristin
Saturday, February 06, 2010 at 7:20:03 PM

Keep the rating...I wouldn't change a thing!! I LOVE this blog :) Have a great weekend! Stefanie http://pediatricsafety.net

Comments by Stefanie
Saturday, February 06, 2010 at 6:27:53 PM

Ha! You should put those words in white colored font so you keep coming up :-)! I've highlighted your blog at my site - come on by and give it a read when you can! Swati http://www.thesinglemotherschronicles.com/2010/02/05/some-blogs-i-love/

Comments by Swati
Friday, February 05, 2010 at 8:57:36 PM

Ha! You should put those words in white colored font so you keep coming up :-)! I've highlighted your blog at my site - come on by and give it a read when you can! Swati http://www.thesinglemotherschronicles.com/2010/02/05/some-blogs-i-love/

Comments by Swati
Friday, February 05, 2010 at 8:57:26 PM

Coolwhip I can understand, but some of the other? What's with teachers these days? I was going to get a snack...

Comments by Susan
Friday, February 05, 2010 at 5:04:43 PM

I think the search results for my blog are hilarious (as yours are, too!) In fact, my post for tomorrow is on this very subject. My favorite of yours? How to make my Cool Whip harder - whaaaa?

Comments by Jane
Friday, February 05, 2010 at 3:16:08 PM

I stalk google analytics, too. I should go check out what brings people to my blog!! Cool whip and vagina? Hilarious!

Comments by Sarah C.
Friday, February 05, 2010 at 3:01:20 PM

I've gotten searches for: Naked Mami Watch Mami take a shower Sexy Mami

Comments by Unknown Mami
Friday, February 05, 2010 at 2:12:56 PM

O my God! There are so many sickos out there having nothing better to do than LIVING in the gutter. No wonder you took the time to write this article. Very well said, by the way!

Comments by Fariba
Friday, February 05, 2010 at 1:40:34 PM

Cool whip and rotten corn is very strange. And what is up with penis envy organic? I don't get it. People are FREAKS! It's entertaining though.

Comments by existentialwaitress
Friday, February 05, 2010 at 11:34:38 AM

HAH! That's crazy. There are a lot of sickos out there, and thankfully you aren't. Yes, you might write some silly stuff, and are very honest about what you write, but it keeps people coming back. Is there even a way to change your rating on your blog? Do you know there's a thing called google sidewiki that you can write about what a site is about...I guess you can write something along the lines of this post in there. Check it out. Have a great day! http://halemom.com

Comments by erica
Friday, February 05, 2010 at 10:21:29 AM

Too funny! Who would have thought this simple name could "whip" up such results?! :) I love your repartee!

Comments by Theody
Friday, February 05, 2010 at 8:43:59 AM

This is very funny! I am curious now and need to check mine!

Comments by Dalia (Generation X Mom)
Friday, February 05, 2010 at 7:40:11 AM

The stalking is what keeps us sane (well a lit bit sane anyway). I mean its not as if we have a police order out on you or anything!!! I too have an obsession with anayltics especially the map thing which shows which city people come from.... that is probaly stalking! BNMx

Comments by Barenakedmummy
Friday, February 05, 2010 at 7:31:46 AM

You are Funny! Hey, is Steel Vagina's a Porno modeled after the movie Steal Magnolias? :) Oh naive one, to have the word Cool whip in the title of your blog. Why Cool whip anyway? Love the mental humping of Google comment:)

Comments by jennifer wood
Friday, February 05, 2010 at 6:28:33 AM

HILARIOUS!!! When I named my blog, I wasn't aware of the TV show, The Girls Next Door - oops!

Comments by Laura
Friday, February 05, 2010 at 6:24:20 AM

I love "Teachers peeing on picnics." Wasn't that a horror movie back in the 80's? I'm not even going to mention the keywords that get people to my blog. DISGUSTING.

Comments by BrilliantSulk
Thursday, February 04, 2010 at 11:24:04 PM

I know that I should be shocked by all the Cool Whip and various body parts searches...but Cool Whip and Cat Food!!!!!! OMG! Someone out there actually searched that? Now that is too funny! And gross.

Comments by amy
Thursday, February 04, 2010 at 10:18:31 PM

You do realize, that all of those words that you entered on the blog as not being a part of your blog, are now going to be index by Google. LOL.

Comments by Marc
Thursday, February 04, 2010 at 10:17:20 PM

keyword spamming! You're keyword spamming! (spamdexing) This should drive your readership (and google) through the roof! So clever, so "innocent!"

Comments by Ross
Thursday, February 04, 2010 at 10:14:13 PM

Now that's some funny stuff. I too have a love affair with Google Analytics and used to get some fairly humorous key word hits based on the title Thanks, Mail Carrier. Stuff like "mail carriers brown shoes" and "mail carrier craft for kids" (which would be what? Showing your kid how to make an envelope?) but lately they've all become boring and unsurprising. I'm going to have to throw a couple Cool Whip, penis, porn references in somewhere just to get those people over to visit. Speaking of which, I have to wholeheartedly disagree with naptimewriting and say that Cool Whip is freakin' awesome. Just scoop it straight out of the container and eat it off the spoon... yum.

Comments by xenia
Thursday, February 04, 2010 at 10:13:53 PM

Haha! I think I laughed through this whole post. I have not checked google analytics, but I do also stalk my own blog looking for comments. I would beg if there was some way to do it. LOL. I'm gonna have to check it out.

Comments by Brae
Thursday, February 04, 2010 at 9:35:43 PM

I get an email and see Organic Motherhood with Cool Whip..and the word vagina...you know I had to come check it out!! You are just too hysterical!! Love this stuff!! I had written a post on "Yes to Carrots", and the person had searched "Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes". Huh??? I don't think they were looking for lip balm :P

Comments by Shelley
Thursday, February 04, 2010 at 9:34:33 PM

What I don't get is the penis envy organic. What part of that isn't organic? Um, I always thought the Cool Whip was a metaphor. 'Cuz real live Cool Whip is *nasty*. Over here we're all about organic and attachment, extended motherhood with rum. Because that's not organic, but it gets you much further than Cool Whip. Unless used as a lube. Ow. Burns.

Comments by naptimewriting
Thursday, February 04, 2010 at 9:30:36 PM


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