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When Your Mother Is a Doula

Posted on Sunday, February 07, 2010 — Listed under Awakened Parenting Ideas
Feb 7

When your mother is a doula, you know things about the female reproductive system at the age of five that some women at the age of thirty-five don't even know. For example, this is a conversation my friend's five-year-old son had with a pregnant stranger while waiting for his mom in the birthing center lobby.

“So, you're pregnant, huh?” he began, his eyes focusing keenly on her large belly.

“Well, yes I am, young man.”

“Probably six, maybe seven months along?”

“That's amazing. How did you know?”

“Your belly is pretty big. Uh huh. Did you know that your baby lives inside your u-ter-us?” he asked, enunciating every syllable of ‘uterus' slowly and clearly like a bonafide sex ed instructor.

“Well yes…”

Interrupting, “And you also know that your cervix is going to have to open up really big to let it out?”

“Um…”

“It's okay. My mom says that massaging the per-i-NEE-um really helps. Olive oil is good for that. Because babies heads are REALLY big, you know.”

Stunned silence.

“When they come out, babies have a lot of goop on them. They look ugly, but once you clean them off they look better. I bet your baby is going to be beautiful. I mean once they clean it off, you know?”

Embarrassed chuckle.

“Have you decided what are you planning to do with your placenta? My mommy made a garden with mine, but I think she is going to eat the next one. She says it might taste nasty, but it's really good for you. It has lots of vitamins and minerals and junk.”

“Um … well … I hadn't really decided yet.”

“That's okay," he told her reassuringly. "You've still got plenty of time."




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26 comments | Add your own »

he did ask how babies got into mommie's bellies... I glared at my husband as he opened his mouth to respond. I'm not the only one who thinks sex education is okay, but he's a bit too young for that now.

Comments by Rosemary
Tuesday, February 23, 2010 at 5:39:55 PM

PRICELESS! Still LOL!

Comments by Valarie
Tuesday, February 16, 2010 at 2:38:26 PM

He should teach classes.

Comments by Unknown Mami
Monday, February 15, 2010 at 10:25:47 PM

Hey girlfriend!! I have an award for you on my blog! http://shelleysswag.blogspot.com/2010/02/blog-award-apalooza.html Have a great weekend!!!! ~Shelley

Comments by Shelley
Saturday, February 13, 2010 at 10:37:36 AM

OMG! Now I want to hear what she said to him after that one :-) I bet his mom was proud!!

Comments by Laura
Wednesday, February 10, 2010 at 7:11:25 AM

Ohhh. Cute! Your little guy is a smart one!

Comments by Sarah C.
Tuesday, February 09, 2010 at 7:32:51 PM

Fantastic! And puts me in mind of a friend of mine's daughter with whom I had this conversation (she was 2) Me: Oh Z! Where's that raisin gone? Z: Down my oesophagus and into my stomach. Both parents are doctors. Can you tell?

Comments by Plan B
Tuesday, February 09, 2010 at 2:48:39 PM

I would taken that kid over my childbirth education class any day. SO much better than those damn meditation exercises.

Comments by Kate@And Then I Was a Mom
Tuesday, February 09, 2010 at 1:13:09 PM

Hilarious! What a clever little man. I pity his future wife though she's going to know way too much about child birth before her first one. Hee hee love it. Ps thanks so much for your comments on my blog, they made me feel so much better!

Comments by Carrot in Mums hair
Tuesday, February 09, 2010 at 2:43:17 AM

HAHA! So cute! What a smart kid!

Comments by brae
Tuesday, February 09, 2010 at 12:06:22 AM

oh wow. kids know too much these days

Comments by marjnhomer
Monday, February 08, 2010 at 6:46:53 PM

Naomi, come by my site for an award.

Comments by Susan
Monday, February 08, 2010 at 5:45:27 PM

What an adorable boy! I'm in the mood for jello. Anyone else?

Comments by mrsblogalot
Monday, February 08, 2010 at 2:06:48 PM

He seems to be a little doula in the making.

Comments by Mwa
Monday, February 08, 2010 at 10:19:34 AM

I am glad to be back. I have actually started posting again, and I am pretty sure my family is happy about that. I was getting way to tense not being able to get all this BS out of my head! Yes, I believe in early sex ed. Early meaning when they start talking about it and you have to correct them. I will do a post tomorrow on how it all came about (I don't want to take up all your comments with my ramblings). Come over tomorrow, say 2ish. It should be up.

Comments by April
Monday, February 08, 2010 at 9:39:06 AM

OMG, BNM!! I can't stop laughing on that one. Disgusting and hilarious. And such a perfect example of something a little one would say!!

Comments by Naomi
Monday, February 08, 2010 at 4:53:42 AM

If it helps Bel told my mother in law that those bins that they have in public toilets are for the things that mummy uses to stop her having babies and that Car liked to chew on them! I don't know who was more shocked when it was repeated to me, MIL or me... must reconsider where I put those tampons from now on, and how I tell Bel things....BNM

Comments by Barenakedmummy
Monday, February 08, 2010 at 3:15:00 AM

Hey guys, thanks for all the awesome comments. April--great to hear from you again! I'd missed you. That's interesting that you believe in early sex ed, esp. cuz I know you have older kids. It's hard for me to even think about that yet, really. Though I am all for being honest when talking about kids about their bodies. Ever since Nino was 2 he's been asking me why I stick tampons in my butt, so I explained that I have a vagina. So ever since then he'll go find tampons and bring them to me and say "Here Mami. For your GINA." Blueviolet--I totally understand! I think this lady was pretty freaked out too. Existential waitress--thanks!! I pride myself on strange but hilarious. That's my personal motto. Susan--hahahahaha! Theody--Oh, she is very proud! He is quite the little man. And a total sweetheart too. Naptimewriting--I think the perineal massage demo came next.... just kidding. But I wouldn't be suprised if he knew how. Mandie--that is hilarious. I had so many people guess what I was having when I was pregnant, but none of them were children. I would've loved that. Amy--me too! I'm totally with you on that one. He's one up on a whole lot of doctors I've had throughout my life.

Comments by Naomi
Monday, February 08, 2010 at 12:46:51 AM

I think I might let this kid birth my next child.

Comments by amy
Sunday, February 07, 2010 at 9:01:56 PM

I haven't laughed so hard in awhile. I remember when I was 7months along an 8yr old told me I was going to have a boy since I was carrying so low. She was wrong, she had nothin' on this boy!

Comments by Mandie
Sunday, February 07, 2010 at 3:40:30 PM

Hilarious. Mostly that she seemed horrified at the honesty. I find kids who actually know what they're talking about charming compared to the "wee-wee" kids who don't know anything about their own bodies or "naughty parts" kids who are taught shame instead of awe. At least he didn't offer to show her how to do perineal massage.

Comments by naptimewriting
Sunday, February 07, 2010 at 3:15:50 PM

His mom should be proud of her budding gynecologist :)

Comments by Theody
Sunday, February 07, 2010 at 3:08:41 PM

Oh please tell her not to eat it! Ahhh! (Cute discussion but scary ending...)

Comments by Susan
Sunday, February 07, 2010 at 2:07:39 PM

That is hilarious! Strange, but hilarious.

Comments by existentialwaitress
Sunday, February 07, 2010 at 1:53:17 PM

That would have completely and totally freaked me out!

Comments by blueviolet
Sunday, February 07, 2010 at 1:05:59 PM

I am a firm believer in early sex education. I wonder if he knows how the baby go there? lol

Comments by April
Sunday, February 07, 2010 at 12:57:41 PM


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