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Pregnant Women Are Smug

Posted on Friday, February 19, 2010 — Listed under Transition to Motherhood
Feb 19

Thanks to a visit to one of my new favorite blogs, Parenting ad Absurdum, I was recently introduced to this hilarious YouTube video entitled “Pregnant Women Are Smug.”

Do you think pregnant women are smug? No longer interested in hearing the details of any subject that does not pertain to vaginal mucous, folic acid, stretch marks, or things you can purchase at Babies R Us?

I did.

That is … until I became one myself. And suddenly everything in my life was meaningless compared to the crushing importance of such riveting subjects as birth plans, uterine thickening, vagina exercises, and which brand of hemorrhoid cream on the market was most effective.

Of course this only refers to first time pregnancies. By the time you are pregnant with your second, third, or fourth child, you are too busy trying to scrub spaghetti stains out of your drapes to remember that you are pregnant and should be practicing your vagina exercises.

This also reminded me of a post I wrote way back when my bloggy was brand spankin' new and my only readers were my mom and a few close friends who frequented Organic Motherhood with Cool Whip only because I blackmailed and/or paid them.

So here it is… I called it, “The Mommunity.”

*****************************************************

Have you ever wondered why normal people who become mothers suddenly begin referring to themselves in the third person? Before I was a mother, I never went around saying things like, “Now, Naomi is going to need some time to herself in the potty, so please detach yourself from her leg and find something else to do.” Or, “Naomi wants you to come out from under the drapes and finish your breakfast at the table, okaaaay?”

But now, I blurt out things like this on a daily, if not, hourly basis. What is it all about? Is it a way of softening the abruptness of our language when we find ourselves giving constants commands and directions to our young children? Or is it a way of making ourselves feel more important because we no longer have real jobs and spend our days scrubbing poop off carpets and Play-Doh stains off our own rear ends?

Before I was a mom, I found this all very disturbing. When you are childless, whether single or married, spending time with mommy-types who go around referring to themselves in the third person is exhausting and, if you can't see the humor in it, frankly annoying. I remember spending time with mommy-types before I was one myself. Not only did they refer to themselves in the third person constantly, but they also had a penchant for talking about the most insipid subjects in the world. Namely, their baby's poop, their baby's burps, how much their baby ate, their own breasts, how fat they'd gotten, and how lame their sex life had become.

Furthermore, this conversation was on some sort of demented repeat mode, like one of those never-ending tapes that loop continuously. So if you managed to zone off for a while and escape the inanity of it all, you were likely not to miss anything and find yourself back in the same place (“And did I tell you about little Antonio's poop from yesterday after lunch? It was sooooo runny. Of course, it's just breast milk, so it doesn't really smell that bad, but I tell you! It was all over the place. I think that was the third, no, maybe fourth time I had changed him that day already. Can you imagine? And then, he had this massive burp. It was sooooo loud. You could have heard him from the other room. Except I was right here next to him, like I always am, because he is my very sweetest, most adorable, little cuddly bear in the whooooooole wide world … etc., etc., etc.”) when you returned from your daydreaming.

But then, of course, I became a mother and turned into one of those moms. It's inevitable. When you become a mother, your world immediately shrinks. And suddenly, all the things that were important before don't even exist to you. Current events, popular nightclubs, fantastic novels, the details of your single friends' nightly exploits … it's all meaningless.

But, your baby's poop schedule, the fullness of your breasts, the contents of your baby's last diaper, how to use a nasal syringe … now this is good stuff. Important, valuable information that you feel the need to discuss with not only your husband, midwife, and pediatrician, but also with random strangers you come across in Target and people you meet while unloading your baby in the parking lot of Whole Foods.

This is why all moms need a “mommunity.” What is a “mommunity”? Simply stated, it is group of moms who share your stage of life. They are also in the thrall of new motherhood. They are obsessed with the same things you are. They are looking for answers to titillating questions like, “What kind of nipple cream is best?” and “Are the generic diapers from Target as good as Huggies?” and “Will you look at the contents of my baby's diaper and tell me if it's normal?”

After my son Nino was born, I found myself a little lonely. Of course, it was wonderful being at home with my sweet baby, but there was no one to talk to, unless you consider passing gas a form of linguistic expression. My single girlfriends were tired of me calling them up and droning on for hours about our breastfeeding dramas and miracles, why I'd chosen to use calendula cream over normal diaper rash ointment, and how much my baby had grown in the last 24 hours.

Fortunately, I knew several moms who had babies my own son's age. I decided to get all of them together and we formed a little playgroup. Of course, at the age of three months, Nino wasn't really “playing” yet. But even if I got more out of it than he did for the first year or so, the playgroup turned into an amazingly beautiful experience for both of us. The women in the group became my confidants, my trusted colleagues, and my loving companions in the business of motherhood. They became my mommunity.

It was, and still is, so much more than an occasional play date. Over time, all the moms in the group became great friends and a supportive community was established. As years passed, many of us had more children. We threw baby showers for each other. We cooked meals for each other. We babysat each other's kids. We picked each other's children up from preschool. We did laundry for each other and cleaned each other's homes while we were hanging out together. We loaned each other baby clothes, pregnancy clothes, and toys. We helped out in family emergencies. We supported each and took care of each other like a family.

My mommunity was one of the saving graces of my transition to motherhood. It helped me make new friends, answered my seemingly endless questions about parenting, and most of all, preserved my sanity. I mean, who else would still continue to be your friend after hours of listening to you refer to yourself in the third person? Who else would listen with rapt attention while you dissect, in excruciating detail, your genius new method of organizing your children's bath toys? Who else would humor you endlessly as you wax poetic about your magnificent milk supply?

Surely only another mother in your mommunity.
 




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25 comments | Add your own »

Very true. Our lives and conversations have a way of changing as we do. Before mommyhood, first baby, and then second and third babies....I have changed with them all. I can only wonder what is next, what will my conversations consist of 10 years from now, I wonder?

Comments by Dalia
Tuesday, February 23, 2010 at 8:13:21 PM

Sigh...oh, yes, I did think that pregnant women were smug. But then I'm an adoptive mommy who, despite the lack of raging hormones, still wanted to b-slap those ladies walking Big Belly Forward around BRU while I was there trying to figure out what I'd need for a 6-month old instead of a newborn. (I'm not proud of that). I was sooo lucky, though, and had double mommortunity: I found great groups of adoptive moms, as well as regular moms who never, ever make me feel different for being an adoptive mom. Makes *such* a difference as baby # 2 nears arrival!

Comments by Karen
Monday, February 22, 2010 at 7:08:04 PM

Sigh. I need myself a mommunity.

Comments by Mwa
Monday, February 22, 2010 at 3:54:04 AM

EW--thanks for the support. I am really with you on the fact that we moms need to focus on supporting each other rather than competing with each other. I remember feeling really disturbed by this when I first became a mom. It seems like one big competition all the time. Whose baby did what first? Who made the most organic baby food from scratch? OMG, are you serious that you don't wash all your kids clothing in Dreft!? You are so going to mommy hell. It was totally overwhelming. But now I find that these kind of annoying comments just roll off me. And I definitely appreciate all the support I have received from awesome mommy/bloggy friends like you. Thanks for being a part of my mommunity.

Comments by Naomi
Sunday, February 21, 2010 at 3:13:32 PM

You are so right - we do need a mommunity! Unfortunately, I never had one- and still don't - aside from the lovely ladies that I've met in the blogosphere. I had my kids a few years before any of my friends had even considered conceiving. This did make me feel rather lonely at the time, but que sera sera, right? I do think more emphasis needs to be placed on moms supporting one another, as sometimes it seems so much emphasis is placed on competition amongst moms and women. I like this idea of a "mommunity" a lot.

Comments by existentialwaitress
Sunday, February 21, 2010 at 1:53:44 PM

Elise--When I was pregnant I was always doing stuff like that. One morning after breakfast I put the milk in the cabinet and the cereal in the fridge. I didn't realize until the next morning what I'd done.

Comments by Naomi
Sunday, February 21, 2010 at 8:34:38 AM

Thanks, April!

Comments by Naomi
Sunday, February 21, 2010 at 8:33:30 AM

Sarah C.--I'm with you on the vagina exercises. They didn't scare me but they were super annoying. My vagina was more interested in taking naps and watching TV than exercise.

Comments by Naomi
Sunday, February 21, 2010 at 4:37:43 AM

pregnant women are also idiots... when else do we forget our keys and lock ourselves out of the house, or forget to screw the gascap back on, or terminally misplace keys, wallets, and other important mainstays of daily lfe? i realize all humankind do things like this occasionally... but really, it's like a terminal illness for preggos! that being said, whomever asks a pregnant woman a personal question better expect a detailed answer! even if the personal question is just "how are you?" :) that's why we love our mommunities :)

Comments by elise
Saturday, February 20, 2010 at 9:17:08 PM

Very good and realivant post!

Comments by April
Saturday, February 20, 2010 at 9:13:21 PM

The "mommunity" it so important! I always ignored the vagina exercises. I know they are important, but they scared me :)

Comments by Sarah C.
Saturday, February 20, 2010 at 8:15:06 PM

Awwwwww, Mami! I'm glad you think so too. And I'm all for TMI. It's my favorite.

Comments by Naomi
Saturday, February 20, 2010 at 7:04:47 PM

I was lucky to have a close friend get pregnant shortly after me because no one else around me was going through the same experience. My friend says that in such situations amongst like minded moms, there is no such thing as TMI. BTW, I agree. I think that if we were friends IRL we would be besties.

Comments by Unknown Mami
Saturday, February 20, 2010 at 10:14:27 AM

Mrs. Blogalot--Yes! The mommunity is just like a lifeline. Perfectly said! Thanks so much for stopping by.

Comments by Naomi
Saturday, February 20, 2010 at 7:12:54 AM

Oh Naomi so true!!! It can be really lonely out there for a first time mom with no place to share and sometimes vent all that comes with being a new mom. It's the greatest time in the world and a strong mommunity is like a lifeline!

Comments by mrsblogalot
Saturday, February 20, 2010 at 5:52:00 AM

Naptime! I'm sorry to make you pee on yourself, but you really MUST keep up with those vagina exercises. Peryl--You are so right. Blocking certain parts of pregnancy and babyhood is out is the only way that the human race is still in existance. Thanks for stopping by and so glad to be bloggy friends with you all.

Comments by Naomi
Saturday, February 20, 2010 at 5:22:34 AM

Absolutely! I tell all my friends who are having their first baby that they must have at least a few friends that have babies of the same age - at least within a couple of months. No one else gets it - those of us past the infant stage have already blocked out half of it! Thanks for the shout out, and the lovely email :). Peryl

Comments by Parenting ad absurdum
Friday, February 19, 2010 at 10:56:09 PM

"By the time you are pregnant with your second, third, or fourth child, you are too busy trying to scrub spaghetti stains out of your drapes to remember that you are pregnant and should be practicing your vagina exercises." Laughed out loud until my stress incontinence reminded me about my vagina exercises. Gotta go.

Comments by naptimewriting
Friday, February 19, 2010 at 10:51:35 PM

PS Bloggy mommunities can be just as supportive and wonderful as real life mommunities too!!

Comments by Naomi
Friday, February 19, 2010 at 10:36:25 PM

Tracie--Wow, that is awesome that your boss took such good care of you. We all need to do that for each other as mothers. I'm glad that you found the support you needed when you needed it the most. Time4Mommy--That's awesome that you have a mommunity too. I know that mine is even still as much for me as the kiddos. But now even Nino understands that and will come up to me and say, "Mami, did you enjoy your play date?" Theody--Thank you so much. You are such a sweetheart and I totally adore you too. XOXOXOX Patti--I love you and I being in the same mommunity. And I'm sure the ladies in your yoga class love hearing about your vagina exercises and such. If not, feel free to call me. Cuz you know I love it. Zen Mom--Oh yes! The collective we. I forgot about that one. I also do that all the time and can't help myself. Thanks for stopping by, everyone!! I appreciate each and every one of you so much.

Comments by Naomi
Friday, February 19, 2010 at 10:35:35 PM

Oh, how very true. Its amazing the things I will talk about to perfect strangers. I have no shame! And yes, I still talk about myself in the third person. Even worse, I find myself talking in the collective "we", even when I'm the only one around.

Comments by Zen Mom
Friday, February 19, 2010 at 10:19:28 PM

Great Blog! I love the link to the video, even though this is my 3rd pg, I still find myself talking to anybody and everybody about my pregnancy and hopes for birth! I'm sure the women in my Yoga class have heard more than they want to know! Thanks for letting me be a part of your "momunity!"

Comments by Patti
Friday, February 19, 2010 at 10:01:22 PM

I like the term, "mommunity". An apt description and so beautifully crafted by the one and only :)

Comments by Theody
Friday, February 19, 2010 at 7:25:44 PM

Good term. I have a local mommy group I'm part of, sometimes I think it's more for me that to socialize my kids. You are so right about the 2nd pregnancy - I don't even remember it since I was dealing with a 2 yr old!

Comments by Time4mommy
Friday, February 19, 2010 at 6:27:58 PM

For the first year of my oldest's life I was very isolated and had no mommunity or outlet for myself. I was a SAHM and my husband worked about 60 hours a week, too. When I went back to work part-time my boss found me a play group, Gymboree classes, and a Kindermusic class for my son. I am convinced that she saved my life. And I mean that with complete sincerity.

Comments by Tracie
Friday, February 19, 2010 at 6:12:04 PM


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