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TV Is a Drug and I'm Not Afraid to Use It

Posted on Thursday, March 04, 2010 — Listed under Daily Grind
Mar 4

So this morning, I decided to be a really stellar mom and pull out the Play Doh when my children woke up at 5:15 a.m. I didn't whine. I didn't complain. In fact, we had a grand old time making flowers and unicorns and cupcakes and poo. (Somebody's always got to make Play Doh poo—it's a family tradition.) I was all happy-happy-joy-joy, I'm such a great mom. It's only 5:30 in the morning and I'm already doing something educational and stimulating with my children.

I was just about to award myself some kind of mommy medal or trophy or something when I noticed that Diego had been MIA for a few minutes. Suddenly he popped out of nowhere, jumping up and down in glee, clearly delighted with himself. “Mami!” he shouted. “Come see!”

He grabbed me by the hand and began to drag me toward the hall. His excitement was palpable. I was thinking, “Oh, isn't this sweet. He's going to show me some stuffed animals carefully tucked into bed or a pile of blocks creatively stacked.” But as we rounded the corner he revealed his latest artistic achievement.

Still Life with Wet Toilet Paper.

Within the span of three minutes, he had managed to soak two entire rolls of toilet paper in the toilet and then used them to decorate the length of our hallway, as well as the bathroom in question. If he was thirty-five years old and a famous artist, it might have passed as an installation in a contemporary art museum. But since he is two and an expert only excessive cuteness and things that can float in the toilet, I don't think that anyone will be coming to view this particular exhibition.

And this is when I remembered TV sedation. Do you remember that commercial from the eighties?

(Eerie booming sound.) “This is drugs.” (Hissing and visual of frying pan bubbling with suspicious liquid.)

“This is your brain on drugs.” (More hissing as a raw egg drops into the pan and begins to fry.)

“Any questions?”

Yes, I have a question. Why does that commercial always make me hungry? Oops, sorry. Okay, getting back on topic…

TV is like a drug. When I put it on, my children are calm and quiet. No one has ever decorated my hallway with wet toilet paper while watching TV. No one has ever shoved one hundred tiny marshmallows into the heating vent while watching TV. No one has ever tried to microwave Swiper the Fox or paint the carpet or lick the underside of the dishwasher while watching TV. Nothing creative ever happens when they are watching TV because they are too busy having their brains fried like eggs over medium while their eyes glaze over and drool drips from the sides of their mouths.

So I will say it loud and proud. TV is a drug and I'm not afraid to use it. No it's not like preschool on TV, Nick Jr. You are kidding yourself if you believe that. No it's not going to teach you how to speak Spanish or learn to read or do advanced calculus. But yes, it will keep the rugrats entertained for short periods of time. Or at least long enough to dismantle “Still Life with Wet Toilet Paper” followed up by a good hearty Lysoling of the entire bathroom and hallway.
 




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24 comments | Add your own »

We love the TV here. We all cuddle up and watch the History channel, or Natural Geographic specials...we've learned a lot. Moderation...as in everything...moderation. Family time with TV, yes, electronic babysitter for hours on end: not so much.

Comments by Alexandra
Monday, March 15, 2010 at 6:47:22 AM

Did you take some proper photos of the installation? Because you might have been able to market it as your OWN work. In our house, "Backyardigans" = "20 minutes during which Mama can do the effing dishes or drink a cup of coffee without having to referee anything".

Comments by Keely
Wednesday, March 10, 2010 at 3:13:25 PM

Amen. The experts who claim TV sucks the soul of your kid are the same experts who figure out how to get kids to soak enough toilet paper that their parents need to buy more. Or, in our case, cover leather surfaces with marker, leading to the need for a new couch. ("Washable" my butt.)

Comments by Kate@And Then I Was a Mom
Tuesday, March 09, 2010 at 3:10:59 PM

I'm not afraid to use it either. I make myself feel better by telling myself that my daughter is a genius and I am just bringing her down to a manageable level of intelligence.

Comments by Unknown Mai
Monday, March 08, 2010 at 8:27:07 PM

Excellent post! I love coming over here...

Comments by IASoupMama
Monday, March 08, 2010 at 12:55:16 PM

TV is a drug for me, too! My little one isn't totally aware of it, yet, I don't think. Soon though! And then, I plan on employing it without any sort of guilt. Thanks for making me feel better for my so-so parenting skills!! xoxo

Comments by Sarah C.
Sunday, March 07, 2010 at 8:15:38 PM

Awesome post, Naomi!

Comments by Hillary
Sunday, March 07, 2010 at 2:35:32 PM

"Still life with wet toilet paper" - LOVE. IT. Little Diego sounds like such a creative little soul :)

Comments by MOMSICLE VIBE
Saturday, March 06, 2010 at 5:32:38 PM

I have the best excuse for TV E-V-E-R: the kids need to learn English so they get to watch Cbeebies. Not all the time, but when they do it really is educational. Hurray for me and complete denial!

Comments by Mwa
Saturday, March 06, 2010 at 3:26:46 PM

Oh, oh! Also have a small - okay, medium sized, crush on Anthony. I'm glad to hear it's not just me. Peryl

Comments by parenting ad absurdum
Friday, March 05, 2010 at 9:52:52 PM

I really, really don't mean to laugh at you, but tiny marshmallows in the heating vent and licking the underside of the dishwasher are honestly the funniest things I've heard all week. My kid is a handful and a half, and it would *never* occur to him to do that awesome stuff. I can't stop laughing at your pain. If I were you the TV would be on all day every day. And I'd keep all the marshmallows and t.p. for myself. (Mine woke up at 5:00 every morning for three and a half years, then just stopped. I do not miss trying to have a full complement of activities to last just until most people awake.)

Comments by naptimewriting
Friday, March 05, 2010 at 8:33:07 PM

oh, IF ONLY my child would watch tv! We keep trying. And yes, I am carrying a torch for Anthony Wiggle.

Comments by Karen
Friday, March 05, 2010 at 7:18:01 PM

TV had always been a good friend to us. It is there whenever we need it and can be told to shut the hell up whenever we want. Just like family (-;

Comments by Mrsblogalot
Friday, March 05, 2010 at 6:40:08 PM

TV has its place and that is FOR SURE!!!!!

Comments by blueviolet
Friday, March 05, 2010 at 3:41:24 PM

This is a common theme in the mommy blogs this week, must be the cabin fever :) But, seriously, Nick Jr. is the ONLY way I can get laundry/dishes done without a serious meltdown about why "mommy no play wiff me!"

Comments by bwsf
Friday, March 05, 2010 at 2:27:39 PM

hear hear! i struggled for ages with whether to let them watch tv, how much etc. but when they are running crazy and destroying my house the Tv goes on just to calm them the heck down for a bit.

Comments by Heather in Lapland
Friday, March 05, 2010 at 2:07:57 PM

Yes, TV is a great bargaining tool as well. If you do this then I will let you watch Bob the Builder movie, during nap time. It is the only way to get a few minutes to myself.

Comments by Teresa
Friday, March 05, 2010 at 1:50:42 PM

I totally agree with your TV philosophy, in fact, I even wrote a post about it not too long ago. When my son will sit and watch it BY HIMSELF without needing me to be sitting right next to him will be the best.day.of.my.life. ;)

Comments by Anne
Friday, March 05, 2010 at 9:46:19 AM

I love the tv. My son has so much energy that I can't keep up with him. So, when I run out of energy, on comes the tv and he sits still and lets me have 30 minutes to myself. Sometimes, I will let him sit there for an hour. As a matter of fact, he is watching tv right now. Otherwise, I wouldn't be able to write this. If he isn't watching tv, then he is begging to sit on top of the washing machine, or opening and slamming the oven door, or throwing dog food around the kitchen, or dumping out the spices in the pantry. The tv, drug or not, is my friend. Thank you Joe from Blue's Clues and DJ Lance Rock from Yo Gabba Gabba.

Comments by Amo
Friday, March 05, 2010 at 8:48:25 AM

April, yes, it is perfectly fine to have a crush on Steve from Blues Clues. Anthony from the Wiggles isn't that bad either. LOL!

Comments by Valarie
Friday, March 05, 2010 at 6:47:57 AM

HA! No wonder you've got no time to play!! :)) AFA TV, it's how I get a quiet morning, and by quiet I mean the TV shows are on and I'm not bamboozled by a bazillion questions before I get a cup of coffee! On a side note, it's great how just when we are feeling pretty good about ourselves, something will come along and serve us up some humble pie! I cannot even count the times I have been feeling like "Ya, I got this!" and then "it" happens. I'll admit, anytime I'm feeling super great, I automatically get a little anxious. :))

Comments by Dawn
Thursday, March 04, 2010 at 11:47:09 PM

I love the tv. It is like a second husband of mine. I actually spend more time with it more then I do my real husband. I have found myself tuning into pre school channels b/c the baby has been looking at the tv more...is it wrong to have a crush on Steve on Blues Clues.

Comments by April
Thursday, March 04, 2010 at 10:14:28 PM

We don't have a tv...but, sometimes the ipod doubles as one, like this last week when word girl, fetch, and Arthur were our boys loyal friends. We go in spurts like this. No tv at home for a month (grandma and granpa's house is another story), then 3 solid days worth until even the boys are tired of it. It's an excellent tool :)!

Comments by heidi
Thursday, March 04, 2010 at 10:03:59 PM

Too funny. TV is the only way I get a shower these days. I'm a big fan!

Comments by Dawn
Thursday, March 04, 2010 at 9:18:40 PM


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