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Sand on the Ocean Floor

Posted on Wednesday, April 20, 2011 — Listed under Daily Grind
Apr 20

You can sit inside your pain like a pebble in the ocean, the water rushing cold and wet around you. Leaves, strings of algae, tiny fish flitter over you. Or you can become the water, dark and bubbling. Everything you are is lost. Everything you are is a reflection of what went wrong.

Somewhere in a hospital far away, my sister is dying. There is a bleed on her brain. The doctors say she may not survive the night. This is not a surprise. She has been sick with alcoholism for a long, long time. But no matter how prepared you are, death has a way of shifting everything you are inside.

I did not answer my sister's last few phone calls. My regret rises up like an angry shadow. Pictures, images of us from our childhood flutter through my mind. The last time we were together, she made me angry. She complained about everything. She complained about the food we ate. She complained about the activities I suggested. She complained about my children. I wanted to scream at her and tell her how selfish she was.

At Christmas, she sent us a package in the mail. It was the first time anyone in our family had received anything from her in the mail for several years. Inside were matching motorized cars for both my boys, wrapped in real wrapping paper. There was also a small gift for my mom and a bumper sticker for me that said, “I HEART PIRATES.”

When I thought about how much effort it must have taken her to prepare that package, it made me want to cry. She had been in and out of the hospital. At times, she had been found trying to set her own lips on fire while attempting to light an imaginary cigarette, so mentally confused she was. She could barely care for herself, but somehow she managed to get herself to a store to buy gifts for my children, wrapping paper to wrap them, and even had them properly addressed and to the post office in time to arrive before Christmas.

After one of her recent stints in the hospital, my son Nino asked, “Why doesn't she want to stop drinking? Why doesn't she want to get better?” It was the six-year-old question that secretly everybody wished they could ask.

Everyone deals with watching this kind of slow death in their own way. Some people try and break through to the person. Some people get angry. Some people get hurt. Some people try to be supportive and end up enabling the user. Some people feel helpless. Some people pretend nothing is wrong.

This summer, my sister was going to lose her apartment. There was much conversation during the past few months about where she would go and what we could help her. But there is no helping someone who has already given up. All you can do is watch death wash slowly forward like waves licking the ocean floor. Foamy water heaves back and forth, stirring up the pebbles and shells, grinding them into smaller and smaller pieces, until one day, all that is left is sand.

 

42 comments | Add your own »

I am so sorry for your loss. I recently lost my father, and know how odd it is to have a vacuum in your heart where a loved one's presence ought to be. Keep writing, it helps.

Comments by journeytoepiphany
Saturday, May 21, 2011 at 8:35:11 AM

I'm so very sorry to hear about your pain. In many ways you have been suffering for so long, but that doesn't make this time any easier. Thinking of you!

Comments by liz
Thursday, May 05, 2011 at 4:36:44 PM

Naomi, I haven't commented in a while but you will always be my first bloggy friend. I am so sorry to hear about your sister and I will say a prayer for her and for all of your family. I can feel the pain in your words and feel the tear drops on your keyboard. Be strong my friend.

Comments by Bluesy Nista
Sunday, May 01, 2011 at 2:18:44 PM

I just want to wrap your whole mourning family in my arms.

Comments by R.Beyer
Sunday, May 01, 2011 at 1:56:25 PM

I'm sorry for you and your family. It's heartbreaking.

Comments by Mwa (Lost in Translation)
Thursday, April 28, 2011 at 1:24:53 PM

I am so sorry, Naomi. I admire the way you use your talent to express this heartbreak. Take care of yourself and let yourself be taken care of right now... My heart sends a big hug to yours.

Comments by MOMSICLE VIBE
Friday, April 22, 2011 at 11:14:12 PM

What beauty comes out of heartbreak - your post was so heart wrenching. I'm so sorry for what you, your family and your sister have been through and are going through. You're in my prayers tonight.

Comments by Mommy Crib Notes
Friday, April 22, 2011 at 5:25:59 PM

How heartbreaking, Naomi. I am so so sorry and wish I was with you right now so I could do *something* for you. Let me know if there is anything I can do. Your words are so beautiful and poignant. And you were a great sister. I love you, and you are in my thoughts.

Comments by Lara E.
Friday, April 22, 2011 at 1:41:37 PM

I can't stop crying. Loving you and praying for you.

Comments by dusty earth mother
Friday, April 22, 2011 at 7:29:04 AM

Oh, Naomi. I know of your family's struggles with this issue, for so long. I hope and pray, but also feel assured, that your sister has found peace now. Now, my prayers are for your parents, and the unbelievable, wordless pain in their hearts, in the loss of their child. I am so sorry for all of you. Please let me know if I can do anything at all, even though I"m so far away. "The Holy Spirit recognizes the groans of our souls, and translates them for us to our Lord."

Comments by alexandra
Friday, April 22, 2011 at 6:53:52 AM

Naomi, I am so sorry my love. My heart is with you all at this difficult time. Lots of love. xx

Comments by Very Bored in Catalunya
Friday, April 22, 2011 at 1:18:18 AM

Naomi, I am so sorry my love. My heart is with you all at this difficult time. Lots of love. xx

Comments by Very Bored in Catalunya
Friday, April 22, 2011 at 1:18:16 AM

Oh my gosh Naomi. I am so sorry! I have not been online. You and your family will be in my prayers.

Comments by Dawn West
Friday, April 22, 2011 at 12:29:07 AM

I am so sorry to hear this. :( I will be thinking of you and your family. *hugs*

Comments by mama_pez
Thursday, April 21, 2011 at 4:52:43 PM

Oh I am so, so sorry. Please know that miles away here in Los Angeles I am thinking about you and your family.

Comments by Amy
Thursday, April 21, 2011 at 4:39:59 PM

I know there really aren't words. I'm praying for peace for you and for your sister and comfort for your parents. Hold tight to each other.

Comments by Motpg
Thursday, April 21, 2011 at 4:39:47 PM

I'm so sorry, Naomi. I'm sending you lots of prayers and good thoughts. If you need ANYTHING my friend, please let me know.

Comments by Natalie
Thursday, April 21, 2011 at 3:32:24 PM

I am so very sorry. There is such sorrow and beauty in your words. I'm just so very sorry. I have to tell you, I know exactly how you're feeling. Someone very dear in my life went through this very same thing. We tried for a very long time to help him, until I got to the point that I realized I couldn't help someone who wasn't ready to help himself. The person in my life died also. He was 38. It has been a few years and now I realize that we did the very best we could and I know that those demons that chased him in life are all gone now. He is at peace and he knows how much we all tried. I have every faith he knows that. Your sister, too, I'm sure is in the very same place, watching down over you. She would only want you to be happy and not berate yourself over this. She knows that you love her. She knows that you tried. She is at peace. Try to find that peace yourself. God Bless. I'll be praying for you.

Comments by joann mannix
Thursday, April 21, 2011 at 3:23:40 PM

Naomi, I'm so sorry that you are going through this. In the midst of such darkness, you write lovely words. I will keep your whole family in my prayers. ((hugs))

Comments by gigi
Thursday, April 21, 2011 at 2:15:03 PM

I read this last night and I couldn't bring myself to respond just as I couldn't when I've read your other post about your sister. I get it. I really do. Even when you know this is how it's going end, it's still so hard when it actually does and surprising how quickly anger can turn into extreme sorrow. I'm so sorry for your entire family.

Comments by Poppy
Thursday, April 21, 2011 at 1:22:36 PM

So sorry to hear this. Will be sending you and your family positive thoughts, virtual hugs, and prayers.

Comments by Ms.Wasteland
Thursday, April 21, 2011 at 11:55:01 AM

My heart breaks for you and your family. We will pray for you and please let me know what I can do to help. You are one strong woman!

Comments by Teresa
Thursday, April 21, 2011 at 11:23:12 AM

I am so, so sorry. Sending you all my love.

Comments by peryl
Thursday, April 21, 2011 at 9:00:34 AM

I've been wondering about you, and your sister. I hope that the next few days and weeks are at least tolerable. Peace to you and your family.

Comments by MommaKiss
Thursday, April 21, 2011 at 7:56:26 AM

There's nothing wrong with what you're feeling right now - any of it. You have been a good sister.

Comments by KLZ
Thursday, April 21, 2011 at 7:35:34 AM

So sorry to hear. It must be overwhelming right now. Sending you hugs and energy and you know how to find me if you want to talk.

Comments by susie
Thursday, April 21, 2011 at 7:32:36 AM

It's so difficult watching somebody self destruct. It takes strength to stand by and see it happen. I'm sorry for your loss. I can only hope that maybe now, she'll be at peace.

Comments by Lynn MacDonald (All Fooked Up)
Thursday, April 21, 2011 at 7:28:13 AM

Naomi, I am so so sorry! I know this day has been coming for quite some time from your previous post on the subject but I can;t even imagine. If you need ANYTHING at all please call me.Im here to listen.Love you, sweetie. XO Debi

Comments by Truthful Mommy
Thursday, April 21, 2011 at 7:26:30 AM

Oh, no words. You and yours are in my prayers.

Comments by Missy @ Wonder, Friend
Thursday, April 21, 2011 at 7:09:03 AM

Naomi, Words cannot begin to express how reading this made me feel. I wish I could reach through cyberspace and hug you. You are enough. YOu have done enough. There is nothing you could have done to change her path. It is sad, but it's the truth. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. I am so very sorry this is happening...please know that you are not alone and you have many friends (even if we haven't met in real life) who love and adore you. I am one of them. love, erin

Comments by Erin Margolin
Thursday, April 21, 2011 at 7:02:13 AM

Naomi, I'm so very sorry to hear about your sister. We are praying for her and the rest of your family. When my mom passed last summer, I had a "conversation" with her in my garden. I know she heard me because she answered me. It was a most wonderful feeling. Your sister will hear you, too.

Comments by Jeanne
Thursday, April 21, 2011 at 6:21:01 AM

Dear Naomi, Prayers going out for you, your family and your sister. Please know that when we love someone, that is an eternal bond. We will always be connected to that person in heart and spirit, no matter the condition of the temporary shell we inhabit before moving on to the world of True Heart and True Life. She will always feel your love for her! May you both be embraced by Love at this time.

Comments by Lara N.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011 at 11:25:40 PM

oh naomi, you need a hug O! i'm so sorry, if there's anything i can do, please let me know. we love you and are praying for you.

Comments by elise
Wednesday, April 20, 2011 at 9:14:08 PM

Naomi, sending a lot of love and gentleness to you and your sister. I know this is right around the corner for my brother and my heart aches for them. And for those of us who have tried everything and tried nothing. I wish I had the perfect words of comfort, but know that I really am thinking of you all.

Comments by Heewon
Wednesday, April 20, 2011 at 9:11:48 PM

Naomi, hang in there my sweet wonderful, and talented friend. Your sister is my prayers and so are you and the rest of your family. God bless you all. Love you.

Comments by fariba
Wednesday, April 20, 2011 at 9:10:46 PM

I can't imagine..I am so very sorry. So much pain..

Comments by Cheryl @ Mommypants
Wednesday, April 20, 2011 at 9:09:39 PM

Naomi, You know how much my heart knows and nods at all this pain and frustration. I teared up for you...and with you. I hope for nothing but a clarity (for you) that make something beautiful out of the life that makes no sense. Give yourself permission to grieve...give yourself permission to cry and most of all, give yourself persmission to forgive. Your heart depends on it! I am with you in more ways than I wish I were! Hang in there, and prayers for all of you! MMF

Comments by Meagan
Wednesday, April 20, 2011 at 9:02:35 PM

oh Naomi, I'm so sorry to hear this. sending you strength and love. xx

Comments by Heather
Wednesday, April 20, 2011 at 9:00:29 PM

Thank you so much, Laura. You are such a wonderful friend. I love you too.

Comments by Naomi
Wednesday, April 20, 2011 at 8:55:03 PM

Thanks so much, Sherri. So kind of you to stop by and leave me a note. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your kind words.

Comments by Naomi
Wednesday, April 20, 2011 at 8:54:21 PM

Naomi, my heart is breaking for you. I had no idea. Your family is in my thoughts. I love you.

Comments by Laura
Wednesday, April 20, 2011 at 8:52:16 PM

Oh Naomi, I am so sorry to read this....what a hard thing to go through for your whole family.

Comments by Sherri
Wednesday, April 20, 2011 at 8:49:39 PM


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