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The Poop Vortex

Posted on Tuesday, December 22, 2009 — Listed under Daily Grind
Dec 22

What is it about going to a restaurant that moves my children's bowels? For some unknown reason, every time we go out to eat, my boys are suddenly overcome with the acute need to drop The Big One. The timing is always exquisite. Seconds before the food arrives, one of them will announce, “I need to poop!”

Then, of course, I have to spend the next 30 minutes in the bathroom while my five-year-old takes the Guinness Book of World Records' longest poop in documented history. Meanwhile, all I can think about is my delicious food that is getting cold minute-by-minute as I stand around smelling poop and attempting to keep Diego from licking the tampon dispenser.

Nino is just getting comfortable. He needs to relax and concentrate while he poops. It's hard for me to understand this because I can poop, wipe, wash up, and resume former activities in two minutes or less. I try not to get frustrated as I sit around watching him pick his nose and sing songs, while I know my food is going stale. “Are you done yet?” I ask after observing no movement for at least ten full minutes.

“I don't think so,” he replies. “It doesn't feel fully formed yet.”

Are you kidding me?

My husband is identical. He will go into the bathroom, only to emerge hours later rubbing his belly and declaring that it just wasn't ready.

Of course, after another ten minutes of valiant attempts to keep Diego from climbing inside the toilets and eating the soap, Nino finally announces, “I guess that's it. Nothing else was ready. Can you wipe me?”

I'd like to say no because Nino is perfectly old enough to wipe his own butt, but at the same time the skid marks in his underwear say different. So I wipe him, wash our hands, and head back to the table.

As we round the corner, our plates becomes visible, and I'm so hungry I can almost taste the chicken flautas with sour cream sauce and a side of guacamole—when suddenly I smell something that is clearly not food. At least not anymore.

“Mami!” Diego shouts happily. “I poop!”
 




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12 comments | Add your own »

Awesome post, Naomi. I realized that poop is actually what keeps us from socializing with our non-kid friends. My son needs to poop most often when we are right about to leave to do something planned. To who else but a mom could you explain lateness with one word : "poop."

Comments by Hillary
Tuesday, December 29, 2009 at 8:17:58 PM

This is hilarious!! I don't have children but whenever i go to blockbuster i have to poop! This strange phenomenon also happens when i an in the diary section of any grocery store and i have to plead with a shelf stocker to let me use the facilities....

Comments by Lena
Monday, December 28, 2009 at 8:39:28 AM

Thanks, Nancy, Sarah, and Jane, for your hilarious comments. And yes, my children agree... Automatic toilets are definitely magic!!!

Comments by Naomi
Wednesday, December 23, 2009 at 12:35:09 PM

This is so true, and so funny. My oldest one feels the need to check out every toilet on the planet. Lord help us if they are the automatic flushing kind, because those are made of magic.

Comments by Nancy Campbell
Wednesday, December 23, 2009 at 12:15:41 PM

My kids were the same way. And more than my food getting cold I was grossed out by them having to "go" in a public restroom. Me hissing "don't touch anything" every five seconds probably didn't help them relax and go any quicker!

Comments by Jane
Wednesday, December 23, 2009 at 12:00:53 PM

Ha! We don't have a problem with my daughter ruining dinner to go take a long poop (which they invariably are) because...she refuses to poop anywhere but at home. It's wild :) Thanks for commenting at my place!

Comments by Sarah @ This Heavenly Life
Wednesday, December 23, 2009 at 11:38:27 AM

Shelley--So glad to know I am not alone in the poop vortex. Thanks for your comment! Happy holidays to you too!! Heidi--Very happy to know that the poop vortex does not last forever. Thanks for your encouragement and your awesome comments! Blia-very funny! Though, not so much when you are about to eat, huh? It's nice to think that some day the kids will be able to help each other. That must be nice, esp. when you have five of them! I've always thought a big family would be so much fun. Thanks for your always entertaining comments!!

Comments by Naomi
Wednesday, December 23, 2009 at 7:35:07 AM

LOL! I can totally relate. Now that Autumn is older, I did have Autumn take them to the bathroom sometimes until the one time Rayner came back with his hands smelling like poop.......she didn't make him wash his hands after he wiped.....Bon apetit! :-p

Comments by Blia
Tuesday, December 22, 2009 at 6:03:04 PM

I feel your pain, and thank you for reminding me of one more benefit to having a 6 and 9 year old. Sometimes I miss all the extreme cuteness, the long hours of holding and nursing, the sweet innocent perspective. I've enjoyed every age so far, but definitely don't miss poop adventures no matter how character building they are!

Comments by heidi
Tuesday, December 22, 2009 at 5:06:21 PM

TOO FUNNY!!!! This has happened too many times to me :) ~Happy Holidays!

Comments by Shelley
Tuesday, December 22, 2009 at 2:44:47 PM

Glad to hear I'm not the only one! And I wish I could be more Zen while I am waiting for the poop to emerge. Thanks for your comments!!

Comments by Naomi
Tuesday, December 22, 2009 at 2:41:40 PM

Too funny. And true. My kids had the same knack for potty breaks. And my youngest -- now 4 -- still can't seem to wipe and pull his pants up by himself. What's with that? Hope you finally got to your food.

Comments by Zen Mom
Tuesday, December 22, 2009 at 2:17:07 PM


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