First of all, I want to thank everyone for your loving thoughts and prayers for the victims of the Chilean earthquake, the Hatian earthquake, as well as other natural disasters around the world. I have not yet heard from my friends and loved ones, but I am hoping that they are safe.

In the meantime, last week I asked my fabulous friend Sarah from The Stroller Ballet if she would be willing to write a guest post on my blog. If you have not yet visited The Stroller Ballet, you are not living life to the fulle.... more >>

I know this isn't a typical post for me, but I am humbly asking for your prayers to the people affected by Chilean earthquake. This morning at 3:20 a.m. Chile was hit with an 8.8 magnitude quake followed by numerous aftershocks. The damage is widespread throughout several of the nation's largest cities including Santiago and Concepcion.

For those of you who read my blog regularly, you know that when I was in college I spent a semester abroad in Santiago and still have friends a.... more >>

As previously mentioned in my blog, my children are nudists. Particularly Diego who refuses to wear any and all clothes with the exception of a single pair of orange shorts. These orange shorts are not just any shorts. These shorts are Diego's beloved. Part teddy-bear, part-blanket, part clothes. They are multifunctional and irreplaceable.

If Diego becomes separated from his beloved at any point in time (such as when said shorts must undergo a bi-monthly disinfecting/washing), tragedy .... more >>

I don't know if it's my blog or the fact that I love TMI or simply the special people I associate with on a regular basis, but vagina conversations seem to follow me. For example, the other day at homeschool co-op, a good friend of mine leaned over and whispered next to my ear in a low, sultry voice, “Have you seen my vagina?”

“Your WHAT?” I asked. I was sure I had misheard.

“Have you seen my vagina?” she repeated and gave me a knowing smile.

“Ummmmmm …” my face going red. &ldquo.... more >>

This is what a small friend of mine told his grandma recently. To him it was the highest, most grandiose, flamboyant expression of love he could imagine.

I mean, seriously, to a five year old … what could possibly be more wonderful than the moist, sweet, chocolaty, sprinkle-covered goodness of a doughnut?

Which reminds me of an experience we had yesterday at a birthday party. The party was at a local bounce house joint called Pump It Up. If you are between the ages of 2 and 102 and have never been to a party at Pump It Up, you have not lived. .... more >>

Thanks to a visit to one of my new favorite blogs, Parenting ad Absurdum, I was recently introduced to this hilarious YouTube video entitled “Pregnant Women Are Smug.”

Do you think pregnant women are smug? No longer interested in hearing the details of any subject that does not pertain to vaginal mucous, folic acid, stretch marks, or things you can purchase at Babies R Us?

I did.

That is … until I became one.... more >>

I'm cooking dinner. My toddler is playing happily with all my clean Tupperware on the floor beneath my feet. I have to use the restroom. I step carefully over my toddler and head down the hall. I am greeted by blood-curdling screams and a child who is suddenly latched onto my leg like an overgrown leech.

What am I to do?

Because I am a raging hippie and member of the unholy cult of attachment parenting, I simply lift up my wailing toddler and carry him into the restroom with me where he immediately quiets down and is delighted to sit on my lap while .... more >>

This is my version of “Not Me Mondays” from a wonderful blog that everyone should visit, MckMama. I know it's not Monday. And I don't have the cool linky thing, cuz I'm lame like that. But I want to participate even in all my low-tech glory. So here goes…

I did not serve my children frozen corn dogs this morning for breakfast, followed by a large helping of chocolate cake. Nor did I tell them that it would be all right to eat said gourmet breakfast directly on the living room carpet becau.... more >>

Nino told me this morning that he wants to go live with his aunt Janice. I get it. Janice is nice, fun, and according to Nino, “plays lots of games with me, buys me presents, and never puts me in time-out.” I would move in with her too if she'd let me.

Even though I know that he's just a kid and by the time that he's in sixth grade he'll probably be telling me hates me and wishes I would move to Australia on a regular basis, I was devastated by this. It was the first time in Nino's short life that he had expressed something th.... more >>

For some reason, the idea of orgasmic birth has become extremely popular lately. Everyone is seeking an orgasmic birth. Why?

Okay, maybe that's a dumb question. Of course the idea of orgasmic birth is appealing. If given the choice between birth that sounds like a good romp in the sack vs. birth that requires drugs and a shot in your spine, most people would probably choose the former.

Meanwhile, I had two C-sections and they were most certainly not orgasmic. Unless you consider the morphine haze which caused my eyes to roll around in my.... more >>

When your mother is a doula, you know things about the female reproductive system at the age of five that some women at the age of thirty-five don't even know. For example, this is a conversation my friend's five-year-old son had with a pregnant stranger while waiting for his mom in the birthing center lobby.

“So, you're pregnant, huh?” he began, his eyes focusing keenly on her large belly.

“Well, yes I am, young man.”

“Probably six, maybe seven months along?”

“That's amazing. How did you know.... more >>

Because I am neurotic and because I stalk my blog repeatedly for new comments and because when I am not stalking my blog I am stalking Google Analytics to see how many people are visiting my blog by the hour, where they are coming from, and what they are looking for—I have come across a number of fascinating keyword searches that have resulted in Organic Motherhood with Cool Whip blog visits.

Cool Whip + Vagina is one of them.

So let me start by clearing the air. This is a wholesome, family-oriented blog, full of PG rated .... more >>

My husband's left thumb resembles a toe. Cute, stubby, and with an extra wide nail, we lovingly call it Toe Thumb. Sometimes we tell people that Danny lost his thumb in a devastating accident and that the doctors suggested replacing it with one of his toes, since hands are often more useful in daily life than feet.

No one questions this.

Of course, with his unusual features, Toe Thumb does not fit into average size gloves or mittens. We have to search high and low for special clothes to fit him. Most stores do not carry Husky size gloves. But Toe Thu.... more >>

Today feels empty like floating dust motes visible only in brilliant sun. I am the spaces in between, silent and illuminated with the knowledge of what I've done.

For the first time, I put my son Nino in Kindergarten today. He was happy. He pulled on his starched uniform with gusto and posed for pictures armed with a backpack as big as he is. He marched with the other children down the hall and hung up his things on the classroom wall like he'd done it a million times already.

He was prepared.

I wasn't.

As a member of the unholy cult .... more >>

The other night my husband came home from work singing/chanting “Oh my MOMMA, oh my HOOD, I look FLY, I look GOOD, I look FLY, I look GOOD….”

I stared at him for a minute while he continued his rap revelry and then I said, “Now … what was that?”

“That's my anthem, yo!” he declared tossing his hands into the air. And then he strutted off down the hall throwing imaginary gang signs and chanting under his breath, “Cuz I look FLY and I look GOOD….”

And I thought, if.... more >>

Why is it that when toddlers are almost (but not quite) ready to potty train, they become strictly confidential about their business and feel they must steal away to a secret hideout while they drop The Big One? I know it's not just my children, because even other kids I babysit do the exact same thing. One minute they are happily rolling trucks up and down my stereo speakers or sticking Lego in their bellybuttons … the next they are off in a secluded corner squatting, grunting, and giving you dirty looks when you come by to check on them.

You'.... more >>

The other night, I went to bed after my children were already asleep. When I laid down, I felt something wet beneath me. Because I sleep with my children, there are often mystery wet spots in the bed so this situation was not particularly alarming at first. The wetness could be due to any variety of typical family-bed factors. Namely sweat, pee, drool, or other random secretions. I tend to prefer sweat and drool to pee, but I don't usually have a choice, of course.

I reached down to examine the mystery wetness and it felt kind of … well, curdy. H.... more >>

It's a bird! It's a plane! No, it's Superbooby!

Hip hip hooray for Superbooby—everyone's favorite family superhero. Able to scale tall buildings, retrieve infants and toddlers from dangerous situations like un-babyproofed bathrooms and chemical storage cabinets, and nurse them skillfully in every acrobatic position imaginable.

Football hold? Cradle hold? Cross-cradle hold? Kamikaze hold? Abacadabra hold?

Never fear! Superbooby can do them all with ease, confidence, and poise—and all while preparing delightful organic dinners and p.... more >>

Once you bring home that tiny precious bundle of joy and tears, Date Night is no longer organic. It's not natural. It's not easy. It's not even on your Top Ten List of important things to do. Feed baby, burp baby, change baby, bathe baby, attempt to feed self, hold baby, rock baby, take shower sometime in the span of next week, take a gazillion photos of baby, feed baby, burp baby, wipe barf off face and neck, change baby, change self, brush own teeth for first time in three days … did you say Date Night?

Regardless of the extraordinary effo.... more >>

My mother's parents were fascinating people. They were radical socialists, traveled the world several times over, believed in acupuncture and Chinese medicine, and yet still managed to evince a perfect all-American “Leave It to Beaver” façade when you viewed their family from the outside.

When my grandma was in her fifties, she published a book entitled, Around the World in 99 Beds. This was followed quickly by another book entitled, Around Africa in 89 Beds. I'm not sure whether it ever occurred to her that this could so.... more >>

Ever since I posted a couple weeks ago about my midwife friend who is entertaining plans of eating her own placenta, placenta-eaters everywhere have been climbing out of the woodwork. I think I might just open a 1-800 hotline called “Placenta Confessions Anonymous” so I can collect a little cash on the side for my services, considering the number of folks who have come to me to share their riveting placental stories.

First off, I'd like to share with you a few things I have.... more >>

When you have a new baby in the house, crying becomes the wallpaper of your life. Crying is the background music that infiltrates all your experiences, good or bad.

There's sleeping and crying. Eating and crying. Washing the dishes and crying. Jamming groceries into the refrigerator and crying. Opening cans of tuna and crying. Watching the dog crap on your freshly mopped kitchen floor and crying. Talking on the phone to your mother and crying. Attempting to watch So You Think You Can Dance and crying. Using the toilet and crying. Using too much toil.... more >>

Let me first start by saying that my husband is extremely very sexy. If you follow my blog, you know what I'm talking about. He is hot. He is divine. He is awesome. He is very manly.

But he carries a purse.

Okay. So I admit … it's not a Louis Vuitton Rainbow or a hot pink Kate Spade. It's more like a piece of luggage you would take through the airport. It is black, has two wheels and a retractable handle—but this thing is his purse.

He takes it everywhere. He is lost without it. He can find things inside it.... more >>

I'm a friend whore. I'll admit it. I love my friends. And I want more of them—always.

Upon becoming a mom for the first time, I realized that I had only a few close friends who were also mommies. I mean, seriously, I was going through a radical change in my life and I needed to share it with people who understood what the heck I was talking about.

I wanted to live and bleed motherhood. Together. Forever.

I don't want to sound Fatal Attraction or anything, but I was probably that mom at the play area who was ch.... more >>

Before I was a parent, I was obsessed with beautiful wooden toys. I was convinced that I would be one of these moms that never bought cheap plastic crap for my children to play with. Only educationally stimulating, ergonomically designed, wooden or cloth playthings for us. No trashy Polly Pockets, mechanical hamsters, plastic superheroes, guns, swords, video games, or other such nonsense.

Want to know what my house is filled with? Plastic crap. And lots of it.

Of course, we also have plenty of gorgeous wooden toys, knitted toys, metal toys, and any o.... more >>

Since becoming a mother, I've done lots of things that I would have never forecast in my pre-children life. Killing cockroaches with my bare feet, camping in the rain, breastfeeding a two-and-a-half-year-old, using gas station bathrooms, smelling another person's rear end, carrying a dead bird for two miles out of the forest … the list goes on.

I'm not the only one. Ask any mother you meet and she can list innumerable acts of love she has performed for her children. But my friend Juliana takes the cake for the most outrageous act of love I.... more >>

While I was pregnant with Nino, my in-laws lived in Germany. Near the end of my pregnancy, my husband Danny and I decided to go visit them. We missed them a lot and figured it would be a great deal easier to visit while I was pregnant than after the baby was born. The flight to Germany was wonderful. We flew British Airways. The flight attendants were kind and accommodating. They checked up on me constantly, patted my belly, and offered me extra snacks and bottled water. And they never ever made me feel bad when I had to use the restroom repeatedly, even when t.... more >>

When my husband was growing up, Vicks VapoRub was the cure-all in his family. Got a cold? Rub on some Vicks. Got a cough? More Vicks. Got pneumonia? Make sure you get those feet too. Broken arm? Hangnail? Toe fungus? Smelly underarms? Undescended testicles? Behold the miracle healing powers of—you guessed it—Vicks VapoRub.

Personally, I'm one of those hippy dippy alternative medicine people. You know … the ones you meet in the health food store who are perseverating over which brand of colloidal silver and acidophilus to buy. “Aci-wh.... more >>

If you secretly enjoy an occasional shameless, unprincipled, indefensible Cool Whip-style pleasure (i.e. outing to Chuck E. Cheese's, purchase of clearly non-educational plastic crap toys such as Polly Pockets, excessive household viewing of Sponge Bob Square Pants, regular shopping trips to conventional grocery stores like Wal-Mart, secret consumption of poisonous non-organic snacks such as Ritz Crackers and tiny marshmallows, etc.) know when to own up to your depravity and know when to keep your mouth shut.

For example, your weekly Vegan Macrobiotic Raw Fo.... more >>

A good friend of mine who is currently pregnant called me on the phone today. “Naomi,” she said. “I want to tell you a secret.”

A secret? I love secrets! “Tell me. What is it?” I asked.

She lowered her voice and whispered, “I'm going to eat my placenta.”

“WHAT?” I practically screamed into the phone. My mind was spinning. Did people really eat placentas? I had never heard of this before. “Are you kidding me? Doesn't that make you some kind of cannibal … or something.... more >>

I have never envied a penis. Not that I remember anyway. I've always been quite happy to be a girl and have all my girly parts intact. And my boys … they do not appear to have castration anxiety. If they did, they would probably spend less time running around the house butt naked while chasing each other with scissors.

I had always dismissed Freud's theories of the Oedipal and Electra complex as outdated psychobabble, academic jargon, or just a lot of hype. Until a recent conversation with my friend Adriane.

When Adriane was fourteen, she spen.... more >>

Since I started this blog a few months ago, I have been overwhelmed with how supportive and generous my readers have been. You have no idea how much time I spend stalking the computer checking for my next comment or blog related email. (But my husband would be happy to give you the demented details, right after he forcibly enrolls me in Blog Addicts Anonymous.) Truth is--I live and breathe your reactions to my stories.

It is fun to write. But it is infinitely more fun when you know there are folks are there who are laughing with you as you spray macaroni bio.... more >>

My son Nino wants a pet. Bad. Every time we go to the mall he lingers at the pet store, his face plastered to the windows as he begs me repeatedly for a dog, a cat, a fish, a lizard, a snake, a hermit crab, a Madagascar hissing cockroach … really anything, anything at all that could be considered a pet. I've tried to convince him to get a pet rock, but he is not interested. “I want something that lives and moves, Mami. Something I can hold and love.”

I understand. I grew up with pets. According to my mother, when I was three I was inspired.... more >>

Despite our valiant efforts to be green and low-impact, not all organic projects have a happy ending. I love the story my (super organic) friend Silvina told me about her quest to get her brood of free-range chickens to produce Omega 3 fortified eggs.

Silvina's chickens seemed willing to eat anything. Wood chips, rusty nails, gravel, clumps of dirt, their own poop—it couldn't be that hard to get them to eat feed that was enriched with Omega 3, could it?

Silvina went eagerly to purchase an expensive bag of organic Omega 3 enriched chicken feed. .... more >>

I wanted to wish all of my wonderful friends, bloggy buddies, and family a very Merry Christmas.

I am so grateful for all the support you have given me. Thank you for humoring me and endlessly reading my navel-watching posts about barf, play areas, breast pumps, and poop. I love you guys! XOXOXOXXOX

My friend Breanna is a model organic citizen. She deserves some kind of award for her vast achievements in organic living. For example, in addition to all her average daily triumphs such as starting her own organic food co-op, grinding her own wheat to make bread, growing an awesome organic garden, making all her own baby food, giving birth naturally, and thoughtfully reusing and recycling tons of household items—she recently agreed to babysit a bucket of compost worms for a relative stranger.

You see, a woman in Breanna's organic f.... more >>

What is it about going to a restaurant that moves my children's bowels? For some unknown reason, every time we go out to eat, my boys are suddenly overcome with the acute need to drop The Big One. The timing is always exquisite. Seconds before the food arrives, one of them will announce, “I need to poop!”

Then, of course, I have to spend the next 30 minutes in the bathroom while my five-year-old takes the Guinness Book of World Records' longest poop in documented history. Meanwhile, all I can think about is my delicious food that is getting cold .... more >>

When my sister-in-law Bonnie was sixteen and my brother-in-law Raphael was two, Bonnie decided to play hairdresser on Raphael. Since her two-year-old client didn't have much say in the matter, she decided upon a popular style at the time—the two-toned look.

Bonnie thought Raphael would look hip with a small circle bleached into his tiny Afro. But for some reason, the bleach took permanent effect and ever since then Raphael's black hair has sported an eighties-style blond swatch right up front.

I remember the endless hours of pleasure my.... more >>

My beautiful friend Dawn decided to dread her hair. Did I mention that she was a Mary Kay consultant just last year? She is the gorgeous gal who ran around with perfect makeup and shiny bouncing locks, passing out cards and Mary Kay freebies in the blink of an eye, and looking like she was about to win that pink car any second. I swear.

Motherhood drove her to it, she said. She was tired of enduring the daily torture as her baby ripped individual strands from her head one-by-one, while she tried to be a good attachment parent and wore the adorable little mun.... more >>

Ever since I was forced to be pump-dependent for 6 months while my son was tongue-tied and couldn't nurse, I've had this glorious vision of myself beating my breast pump to smithereens like that scene from the movie Office Space where the employees murder the diabolical fax machine.

The only reason I never did the dirty deed is because, unfortunately, I still need the pump occasionally. (For overnight dates and such.) And it cost $320. Which is probably too much to pay for ten.... more >>

Even if you are a parent that ascribes to the organic model (like myself), that doesn't mean that your parenting style is going to perfectly coalesce with all other parents that revere organics. Within my own close circle of organic-minded girlfriends, all of whom I respect and admire, we have families that spank and don't spank, families that Ferberize and families that co-sleep, families that wear their babies constantly and families that love the stroller, families that don't even own a TV and families that use the TV liberally as a virtual babysitter.... more >>

It's all my fault. I should have never tried to grind up two pounds of rancid macaroni and cheese in my garbage disposal. That was my first mistake, which led to my kitchen sink getting backed up with a thick, viscous, yellow, mucous-looking soup that was surely just ground up noodles mixed with dirty water, but appeared to be a deadly biohazard.

My second mistake was to use our industrial strength toilet plunger in my attempts to unclog the kitchen sink. This led to me being sprayed continuously in the face with yellow soup laced with toilet bacteria. Altho.... more >>

Overparenting is quite common in our society these days. It goes by many names—helicopter parenting, death grip parenting, invasive parenting—you get the idea. But the results are the same. Parents spend inordinate amounts of time feeling guilty and anxious while they overanalyze and micromanage their children's development. Why?

What is the reason behind the current generation's need to be overly involved in our children's lives? Is it a backlash against the latch-key era in which we grew up? Is it simply a by-product of the overly anxious cultu.... more >>

We're out for our ritual family fine dining experience. I'm seated at Cici's Pizza in front of two steaming slices of macaroni and cheese pizza. As I prepare to take the first delectable bite, Diego pops up at my side. He is chewing gum.

I didn't give him any gum. “Where did the gum come from?” I ask Diego while trying to pry it out of his mouth with both hands. Diego develops a sudden case of lockjaw. I decide to leave his mouth alone for a minute as he has agreed to lead me to the gum's mysterious origin.

He waves me.... more >>

I'm all for decency. Really, I am. But during the potty training years, there have been many times when I encouraged my children to urinate publicly in order to avoid an accident.

For example, say you're at the park. No bathroom to speak of. All of a sudden, your recently potty trained toddler has to go. Do you jump into the car and brave the ten-minute ride home, fully cognizant of the fact that you will have to dissemble the car seat completely if an accident happens?

Not me. I just tell my son to sidle up to the nearest tree and give it a .... more >>

When I was thirteen, my sister Nina lived in a nudist colony. She is eight years older than me and must have been in college at the time. I remember my mom planning a family visit to Nina's that involved numerous secretive phone calls in hushed tones and whispers. Somehow, through various undercover efforts and spy techniques, my little sister Aliza and I figured out what was going on.

We were shocked. Nina was living is a house with a bunch of naked people?

Seriously?

This was also around the time that my mom had given me “The Talk.... more >>

My husband and I are overprotective. We rarely leave our children. But when my mom moved in with us earlier this year, things began to change. My mom is wonderful with the kids and we feel very safe with her watching them. I began to be able to run out to the store on my own occasionally, or go to the gym, or meet a friend for a quick cup of coffee.

It felt like liberation to me. But Diego was not as thrilled. He began to perform what we named, “The Mommy Stakeout.” This involved him sitting in front of the door where he believed I might emerge a.... more >>

It's 3:45 a.m. as I walk up the pathway to the home of my friend Patricia. It's very dark on her street, but the moon is big and full. It casts a gentle glow on the trees, houses, and cars around me. Everything is calm and quiet, which feels impossible since something so incredible just happened. As I approach the door, I can see that although the blinds are closed, the house is ablaze inside.

I give a gentle knock on the door. From inside I hear Patricia's husband's voice. “Come in,” he says.

I don't know what I'm expecting to see. Blood.... more >>

It's Friday night and the mood is right. My mom has offered to babysit the children. My husband has guaranteed that he will leave work at a reasonable time. I have managed to shower, deodorize, and even trim my knee bangs-all during a single 24-minute episode of Sponge Bob.

Okay, I'm ready for Date Night. If you are a parent, you know what I mean. I am not talking about the kind of dates you went on when you were single and childless. Dates that began at 11 p.m. and involved endless hours of rollicking debauchery and roaming the city from one dazzling.... more >>

My husband has a theory about courtship. In his own words, his theory is as follows:

Dating = thong. Marriage = full coverage underwear.

You see, I think it all started because he felt somehow deceived. When we were dating, I wore thongs regularly. I wore suits to work and dresses when we went out dancing. It only made sense to wear thongs. I was avoiding panty lines.

Then we got married and, well, things got a little more relaxed. The courtship phase was over and though I certainly cared what Danny thought and wanted him to think I was sexy .... more >>

Thanks to Alexandria Campbell—devoted mother, aspiring singer/writer/designer, and extremely talented blogger—I have been featured on Bloggerazzi!

Pop on over to beforethebabywakes.blogspot.com and you can find out all kinds of thrilling and titillating tidbits about me such as:

· whether or not I pick my kids' boogers,
· my views on the H1N1 vaccine,
· how 30 loads of laundry threatened to take over my home, and
·.... more >>

At the zoo yesterday, we were observing an ocelot. The ocelot looked vaguely disturbed as it paced around its small cage. “Look!” my son's friend said. “There's his penis!”

For some reason, we all found this intriguing and leaned forward to get a good look. As we did so, the ocelot turned his back to us and sprayed directly in our faces. “Take that,” the ocelot seemed to say.

Thankfully, we didn't actually get baptized with ocelot urine. The cage was just far enough away. But as we all jumped back screa.... more >>

I don't remember participating in any torrid romances as a little girl. Maybe I was too much of a dork. In fact, I don't remember boys being interested in me at all until junior high when I cut off my Laura Ingalls Wilder braids, learned to use a hair dryer, and discovered the many uses of Wet Rain hairspray.

But lots of preschoolers and kindergarteners have crushes and participate in dramatic love affairs that rival those on daytime television. My darling Nino has several girlfriends whom he regularly informs me want to marry him. “Do you want.... more >>

Last week I noticed that a large group of fruit flies had decided to inhabit the area surrounding my children's bookshelf. I had never heard of fruit flies infesting books before, so I decided to investigate. As I pulled the books off the shelf, I quickly discovered the culprit—a rotting plum that had probably been carefully tucked away for future consumption by my toddler. In fact, when I pulled it out, Diego ran over and shouted with glee as he tried to snatch the moldering plum out of my hand. I had to practically tackle him in order to stop him from po.... more >>

When kids are potty training and learning about their own equipment, it can spark some amusing conversations. A young friend of ours named Noah became completely fascinated with his penis during the potty training era. He was inquisitive and bright and asked numerous questions about the differences between men and women, how the penis itself worked, where the pee came from, etc. He was proud of his new knowledge and wanted to talk about it whenever the chance arose.

One day, Noah and his mother were at the Post Office standing in line to mail a pac.... more >>

When my son Nino was two-and-a-half, I was several months into my pregnancy with Diego and my milk began to dry up. I had not planned to wean Nino. I had hoped to tandem nurse both boys after Diego was born because I thought it might help to decrease feelings of jealousy and also allow Nino and I to continue to enjoy our own special nursing relationship.

But when my milk began to dry up, nursing became uncomfortable. I realized that I was not going to be able to continue to nurse Nino throughout the rest of my pregnancy as I had intended. I began to search f.... more >>

My husband is obsessed with his own sexiness. Now I must say, he is truly extremely very sexy. I'll give him that much. But on a given day, it is likely that he will mention the various states of his sexiness no less than 50 times. For example, a typical telephone conversation with my husband usually starts like this:

“Hey, what's up? How are you doing, sweetie?” I ask

His one word response, “Sexy.”

“Okay …so what are you up to right now?”

“Maintaining my sexy.”

&l.... more >>

My husband has failed at his husbandly duties. I feel shocked and betrayed. This morning I discovered no less than four black hairs growing on my chin. These hairs were so thick they could have been pubic hair. If they were any closer together, I could have braided them.

When I asked my husband why he hadn't mentioned the pubic hair growing on my chin, he told me that he loved me and truly hadn't noticed. I informed him that now that we have multiple small children—it is his duty to keep my appearance under control. Didn't he remember the marriage vows.... more >>

My father finally got a cell phone. For years, he resisted. He was adamant and philosophically against them. “Cell phones are ridiculous! They're absurd!” he proclaimed, the blood rising to his face. “Why do I need to carry a phone everywhere I go? There is no need for such urgent communication. If someone needs to tell me something, my home phone is good enough.”

He had a point, I thought. Except for emergencies. But my father said that he had never had an emergency he couldn't handle in his past 60 years without a cell phone, so why.... more >>

Before you have a child, the idea of losing a child is unfathomable. I remember listening to radio reports about people whose children managed to get out of the house and lost in the woods for days on end and I would think, “How is this possible? What were those parents doing that they would manage to lose their own child?”

I also thought that those little leashes that people used on their children were barbaric. I couldn't imagine why someone would want to keep their precious child on a leash like a bad dog.

Well, now I know. more >>

Somewhere during the first or second month of being a new parent, you will be up in the middle of the night with your new baby. It will be approximately three o'clock in the morning and you will have already achieved three delightful pockets of sleep that night of 15 minutes apiece. There will be a beautiful moon in the sky and the stars will be twinkling. But you will not notice. You will be staring into the face of your darling infant, who is truly darling, except that at this particular moment he is screaming so hard that you wonder if his lungs will liberate fro.... more >>

The other day I was getting ready to go somewhere with the kids in our van. I had already buckled both kids into their car seats when Diego called to me. “Mami! Er!” he proclaimed.

“What is it, sweetie?” I asked.

“Er! Er!” he repeated, smiling and looking quite delighted.

“Oh good!” I said encouragingly, unsure of what he was trying to tell me.

“No, Mami. Er. Watch!” He seemed very determined that I understand him and I simply couldn't figure out what he was trying to convey .... more >>

On the radio the dj was talking about her childhood. According to her, she had always loved to talk. When her mom needed to run errands around town, she would sit in the back of the car chatting away as they dropped off the rent check, picked up the groceries, paid the electric bill. One day, she was asking a string of big questions. Why is the sky blue? How big is the world? Why can't people fly like birds? Will our dog go to heaven? What does God look like?

Her mother had been humoring her all along and carefully answering every question..... more >>

My husband Danny is an army veteran. He served eight years in the military right after high school. Sometimes, he misses it and enjoys telling stories of the good old days. He also likes to tell me that I would have been a good soldier because I can eat, poop and shower in three minutes or less. Oh, and also because of the loudness of some of my burps. (This is his interpretation … I think my burps are quite delicate and ladylike.) Anyway, one of the stories that my husband likes to tell is from his days in Advanced Individual Training (AIT).

During A.... more >>

The other day my husband Danny changed our son Diego's diaper. He walked into the room, carrying the folded diaper carcass in his hand. “Oh good!” I said. “He pooped.”

“Yep,” Danny acknowledged, patting the smelly white bundle.

“What did it look like?” I asked.

“I don't know,” he said. “It was poop.”

“Come on,” I encouraged. “Give me the details.”

“Seriously, it was just regular poop.” He gave me a weird look and started.... more >>

No one likes to admit this, but everybody says a bad word at one point or another. Maybe you are cutting organic heirloom tomatoes on your kitchen counter and the knife slips and you almost slice off your thumb. Or maybe you slam your hand in the car door. Or maybe you are just getting rowdy while talking on the phone with your sister about her loser boyfriend. Who knows? But somehow, it slips out. "@#@@@*%%!"

Oh dear. How embarrassing! You look up, hoping your baby is distracted and didn't notice, but no such luck. Your one-year-old baby is staring at y.... more >>

Remember when Motrin made the fatal mistake of posting that patronizing online commercial which suggested that babywearing was nothing more than a ridiculous, crazy fad that caused horrific back pain to new moms? In the advertisement, which aired on Motrin's website in November 2008, a young mom who supposedly had tried babywearing said the following:

Wearing your baby seems to be in fashion. I mean, in theory it's a great idea. There's the front baby carrier, sling, schwing, wrap, pouch. And who knows what else they've come up .... more >>

You are probably one of those women who looked gorgeous and radiant while you were pregnant, aren't you? You probably only gained weight in your belly and no one could even tell you were pregnant until you were six months along. Did you wear your regular jeans until you were eight months pregnant using the rubber band technique? I bet you did. I bet you don't even know what I'm talking about when I say varicose veins, hemorrhoids, stretch marks, heartburn and excessive flatulence. Are you one of those women who enjoyed your pregnancy so much that you pra.... more >>

When I was a kid, for a number of years we did not have a TV. My dad decided that television was unimproving and so he threw ours over the second floor balcony. He was dramatic and a little bit crazy. But he was also right. Television really is just a brain drain and current marketing attempts to convince us that our children are practically attending preschool while watching Dora the Explorer are just plain false.

However, at the same time, TV does have its own special purpose. It is your very own around-the-clock, low-budget babysitter. You will h.... more >>

If the concept of the family bed conjures up images of aging hippies nursing pre-teenagers while sleeping on all-hemp, tie-dyed mattress in incense-filled vegan communes, you are probably not alone. Even I, who practice the family bed in my own home, find it exotic when I manage to meet another normal-looking mother who admits to using the family bed. I can't help but ask, “Why?” I am always curious to know what makes other people in our society choose to sleep with their children. In the United States, where independence is one of the founding values of.... more >>

Have you ever wondered why normal people who become mothers suddenly begin referring to themselves in the third person? Before I was a mother, I never went around saying things like, “Now, Naomi is going to need some time to herself in the potty, so please detach yourself from her leg and find something else to do.” Or, “Naomi wants you to come out from under the drapes and finish your breakfast at the table, okaaaay?”

But now, I blurt out things like this on a daily, if not, hourly basis. What is it all about? Is it a way of softenin.... more >>

We all want to live an organic, green lifestyle. But we might find ourselves discouraged sometimes because the price of organic food, cleaners and other household items can seem costly and prohibitive. It's true. If you switch from shopping at Wal-Mart to Whole Foods, your grocery bill will skyrocket and your spending money may disappear. That's why Whole Foods has received the nickname, “Whole Paycheck.”

But, there are some tricks to living organic on a budget. The tips on the list below can help you keep your bills from ballooning, whil.... more >>

I'm always looking for new ways to entertain my children. As a stay-at- home mom of toddlers, that is my constant purpose. At the same time, I always try my best not to destroy our home or the contents of our backyard.

My husband is a wonderful man and truly appreciates all the work I do. He is famous for giving me flowers for no reason at all and for complimenting me on how “clean” the house looks when in fact it is almost always at least semi-filthy and littered with toys.

However, on a rare few occasions, he has been at least slightly .... more >>

My grandma was an amazing storyteller. Whenever my sister and I would visit as children, one of the highlights of our stay would be waking up early and running to my grandparents' room so we could cuddle in their bed and hear the stories my grandma told from her own childhood. One of my all-time favorites was the story of Pimple the Duck.

Pimple was an ugly duckling. Unlike his brother and sisters, who were beautiful Mallards, Pimple was an ugly shade of nothing, according to my Grandma. Not white, not brown, but some dirty color that no one could .... more >>

My husband went to work the other day with glitter on his face. Unintentionally, of course. It was probably the shiny residue of some art project I had been doing with the kids that somehow made it onto his face via a few grubby little hands we all know and love. He was walking through the hall in the hospital he works at when the respiratory therapist passed by and said, “Is that glitter on your face?”

“You're seeing things,” my husband replied.

“Not really,” she countered. “Is this your attempt at a ma.... more >>

According to my parents, I was a high-maintenance toddler. In addition to some of the more typical toddler dilemmas like diaper changes, haircuts, clothes drama and food fads, I was also completely obsessed with having my socks perfectly aligned on my toes. My parents claim they spent hours upon hours arranging socks on my little feet while I sat crying my eyes out and repeating, “But it just doesn't feeeeeel right.”

I believe them. Aside from the fact that I actually remember these episodes and may retain some minor sock OCD even today, as .... more >>

Today was one of those days when everything went right. The kids woke up at a reasonable 6:30 a.m. I cooked a healthy breakfast that everyone ate and no one threw all over the carpet. The kids played quietly with Play-Doh while I cleaned up. Nobody had a temper tantrum. Nobody spilled juice on the carpet or wiped their hands on my clean pants. Nobody asked for candy or television. Nobody decided to dump six toy bins in the middle of the kitchen and mix all the contents together. Nobody got locked in the bathroom. And nobody sneaked into the pantry and tasted the Oxi.... more >>

Although I have strong personal convictions about breastfeeding for my own family, I would never judge another mom for her decision on whether or not to breastfeed. This is a very personal decision and everyone has the right to make it on her own. If you have decided not to breastfeed your baby, don't be sad. Your breasts are still magical and you should plan to enjoy them regardless.

If asked, I would be more than thrilled to explain the many benefits of nursing, for both mom and baby. But it is equally important to respect the parenting choices of others. .... more >>

I would love to tell you that nursing is all ponies and rainbows. But it isn't. Don't get me wrong. I am a huge breastfeeding advocate, but that doesn't mean I'm going to lie to you. Breastfeeding can be hard work, just like the rest of parenting. When people say that nursing is natural, they don't mean easy. They mean natural in the sense of hemorrhoids and labor pains and PMS. All these things are natural too, but you won't find them in a Hallmark card.

When my second son Diego was born, I was sure I was going to have a magical and uncomplicated breastfeed.... more >>

When my friend Juliana and her husband Matt lived in Cuba for a year, their yard was filled with avocado trees. From their kitchen window, they watched the avocados grow from tiny green bumps into large beautiful fruit. They imagined tasting the creamy goodness when the avocados had grown ripe enough to eat. One day, just when the avocados appeared to be nearing perfection, a group of boys came and picked every last one. Although Juliana was incensed, she didn't stop them, but watched them from the window as they emptied the trees systematically right before her eye.... more >>

The other day, my friend Silvina and I were at her home planning some preschool classes together. In the space of 10 minutes, our 2-year-olds unearthed a purple marker and managed to decorate the entire downstairs of her home. Floors, walls, tables, carpet…their artistic masterpiece could be described as nothing less than complete. I was mortified. But surprisingly, Silvina was unfazed. “It's okay,” she said with a smile. “I'll just get the Magic Eraser.”

Magic Eraser? How exactly did I manage to make it through five ye.... more >>

I was the weird kid. You know what I'm talking about. I was the kid who wore homemade clothes and ate strange, unrecognizable foods that emerged out of dark containers, while the rest of the kids pulled up the collars on their Izod polos and ate fluffy white bread sandwiches. While the other girls in my class were at Brownie meetings, I was attending socialist freedom rallies or making up fable skits for the viewing pleasure of my sister because we weren't allowed to watch television.

Don't get me wrong. With all my heart, I wanted to be a Girl Scout. But wh.... more >>

My sister Aliza tells me that she would have sold her right arm for a chance to play Barbies with me when she was seven years old. You see, I just wasn't a Barbie kind of girl. I was too busy writing encyclopedias or reading Little House on the Prairie books or memorizing the planets backwards in alphabetical order or ironing my uniform for Rainbow Nerd Scouts. I must have played with her sometimes, because I do recall being outraged when she decided to give all of her Barbies haircuts and they ended up looking like a bunch of chemo patients. I told her it .... more >>

When I was six and my sister Aliza was three, I convinced her to eat cat food to impress our babysitter. According to my recollection, I told her it was graham crackers and she was quite delighted. Somehow, I don't recall whether this actually impressed our babysitter or not, nor do I remember if I received any punishment for this wayward act.

The cat chow/graham cracker incident was not the only mean thing I did to my sister while we were growing up. If you ask her, she will probably tell you about the time I jumped atop the toilet when I knew she had to pe.... more >>

On September 4th, a breastfeeding rally was held in a Giddings Plaza on the North Side of Chicago in support of Lauren Trost who was harassed for nursing her seven-month-old baby Hank in the same plaza. The month before, Trost was in the plaza helping her sister to open a jewelry store. During the course of the day, Trost sat down to nurse her infant son in the public plaza and was approached by a woman who accused of doing something illegal and indecent by publicly breastfeeding her son.

Approximately 15 moms nursed their babies simultaneously to show suppo.... more >>

According to In Touch Weekly (the source of all respectable tabloid news), Octomom Nadya Suleman and Kate Gosselin of Jon & Kate Plus 8 are in the biggest catfight of the year. Apparently, Nadya invited to Kate to appear in the two-hour documentary, Octomom: The Incredible Unseen Footage, which recently aired on August 19, 2009. Kate never returned her phone calls and the battle was on.

Nadya accused Kate of having a “fake” reality show, called her “attention-seeking” and said she had a hotter post-baby .... more >>

Most new moms are very picky about what goes into their babies' stomachs. This is a good thing. But at some point, your child will be introduced to junk food. Junk food is so much a part of our culture, that unless you live on a commune (which would probably be a good thing), your child is going to find his or her way to the Coke machine eventually. It may be a relative who offers your 13-month-old a cupcake. Or it may be your older child who gives your baby a sip of grape soda. Or you may be at a picnic, feeding your 2-year-old organic baby food that you made f.... more >>

There are a lot of firsts when you have a new baby. Of course, there are many obvious ones that are so poignant and sentimental they could be the footage of a über successful Kodak commercial that would bring all new moms to tears. The first time you hear your baby cry. The first time you look into your baby's eyes. The first time you count your baby's toes. The first time you nurse your baby. The first time you take your baby home from the hospital. The first time your baby smiles at you, etc...

There are also a lot of other first that are a littl.... more >>

When I was a waitress, I despised families. Families ranked up there with the worst potential restaurant patrons. Perverts, sleazeballs, meal splitters, meal modifiers, rude people, stalkers and even bad tippers rank above them. Why? Because families are horrible. Messy, demanding, obnoxious and notoriously bad tippers on top of everything else, they are the worst kind of social pariah. Every time you even glance in their general direction, they are clamoring for extra napkins, crackers and straws; insisting on ordering something that isn't even on the menu; breakin.... more >>

The 2009 Summer Momolympics will be held in Omaha, Nebraska and will include the following 12 sports within the Infant/Toddler Division. Medals will be awarded on a per-event basis. Bungee-jumping while attempting to dose toddlers with Tylenol is no longer an official Momolympic Sport.

If you wish to participate in the 2009 Summer Momolympics in any of the following categories, please register online at http://www.organicmotherhoodwithcoolwhip.com.

1. Tastiest organic meal made in under 30 minutes while holding a screaming infant and doing spin art w.... more >>

It was a typical day in the de la Torre family. The entire family was awakened at 5:58 am when Diego (who had just turned two) decided to Riverdance on all our faces. (Because we co-sleep, this means that when one of the kids gets up, pretty soon the entire family will be up as well. Especially if the one who wakes up feels moved to express his enthusiasm with an Irish jig atop our collective faces.)

While I was preparing breakfast, Diego somehow managed to get hold of a purple marker, with which he decorated not only his entire body and face, but also the len.... more >>

I love to receive parenting tips from random strangers. I love it when I am walking toward the mall in the 107 degree heat of the Texas summer and, out of nowhere, someone appears and tells me that my baby is cold and should be wearing socks. Or, when I am walking through the forest preserve while wearing my infant in a sling and someone gets off their bike to tell me that they think my baby's neck is most probably broken. Or when I am eating in restaurant and nursing my two-year-old and someone comes up to ask me just how long I plan on nursing. And did I know .... more >>

Traveling with small children is like taking a shower, fully naked, in front of a room full of strangers. All your defects are fully exposed and open for mass criticism. It is hard enough to keep small children entertained and out of trouble in your own home with buckets of toys, books and games. But try keeping them not only entertained, but quiet and seated, for three whole hours, while dozens of people watch you, sneering and rolling their eyes at any misstep or infraction.

I will never forget the time I traveled by myself for the first time with my six-mon.... more >>

Everyone whose baby likes to climb has had one of these moments. You and your (barely walking) toddler are playing happily together in the middle of the living room. Something quiet, like puzzles or lacing cards. You need to go to the bathroom and your child seems so involved in his activity that you decide not to bring him into the bathroom with you. You pee, change your tampon, wash your hands and return to the living room all in under 52 seconds.

When you return, your toddler is missing. Where could he have gone? You look around the room. No sign. Yo.... more >>

Somewhere during their second year, many children enter the Why Stage. They are curious about the world. They are just beginning to be able to verbalize their questions/concerns and they desperately want to understand how it all works. It is amazing and wonderful to watch their little minds spinning and churning while trying to understand what things are important to them and why.

At the same time, the Why Stage can sometimes be exhausting. Toddlers want to know why and they want to know now. As soon as you answer them, they either a) ask the sam.... more >>

Pretty much, as soon as your baby can walk and talk, he will enter the Helper Stage. The Helper Stage is very sweet. And it lasts a long, long time. My almost-five-year old is still in the Helper Stage and I am quite grateful, because now, he is actually quite helpful.

However, the Helper Stage usually begins when your baby is approximately 18 months old and the help they offer falls more generally into categories like small disasters, medium size mistakes or large-scale destruction.

For example, whenever I am cooking, my little ones always want to join .... more >>

Around the time most babies turn a year old and start walking, they transform from a cuddly lump into a tiny tornado. This happens mostly because of walking. It is actually good for some moms who are constantly living in the state of a near-nervous breakdown because their child is so devoted to swallowing everything they find on the floor while crawling. Now that they are walking, their attention is switched to things that are at knee-level for most grownups.

Unfortunately, with every stage there are new hazards. Instead of being interested in shoving small to.... more >>

At a certain point, all babies fall in love with the toilet. It is inevitable. The toilet is shiny and glimmering white. It is filled with water. It has a lid that lifts up and down. It makes a cool sound when you pull the handle. It almost always has a lovely large brush next to it that is wonderful for combing one's hair or the hair of one's stuffed animals. It is just at the right height for someone to stand and drop his toys inside, or to fill up tiny cups with water and drink them immediately, or to float all the toothbrushes in the house. Yes, oh yes, .... more >>

I remember the first time my baby did something of his own volition that surprised me. Nino was about four months old and seated in his car seat, which was snapped into our stroller. I was shopping at CVS. This was during the time when my baby still enjoyed being strolled around and shopping was still a fairly enjoyable experience.

I went up to the checkout counter. While I was paying for my purchases, I reached into my wallet and pulled out some old receipts that needed to be thrown away. I set the receipts down on top of Nino's legs and continued with my.... more >>

Babies go through so many phases in their development. I like to call the first, "The Cuddly Lump Stage." Babies are incredibly cuddly. There is nothing like holding a tiny newborn. Even if you are not a baby person, newborns make your heart melt because they just lie there in your arms looking so adorable and helpless.

But this stage is very deceptive. Yes. Newborns are cuddly and they do lie around like a lump some of the time. Before having children of their own, most people imagine that babies spend all their time in the cuddly lump stage, doing no.... more >>

Before I was a mom, I never really understood the whole mom/van phenomenon. It was beyond me why people became mothers and then suddenly needed a van to seat eight people. Is it just me or does a baby add one person to your family or six?

Not to mention, these mommy vans always managed to look like they worked the night-shift as a homeless shelter. No matter when you checked, you would always find half-eaten French fries, chicken nuggets, bits of dried up cheese, old milk containers, tiny straws from juice boxes, balled up pampers, grimy blankets, stuffed an.... more >>

1. You find yourself watching Max and Ruby while your children are not even home. And you are enjoying it.
2. You discuss the contents of your baby's pamper and your nipple drama with random strangers.
3. You realize at the end of the day that the only thing you have eaten are the leftovers from your children's plates.
4. The contents of your purse include: wallet, keys, cell phone, two diapers, antibacterial wet wipes, regular wipes, a Spider Man figurine, three bouncy balls, two packages of organic baby puffs in sweet potato and apple .... more >>

Having a baby changes a lot of things in ones life. For me, it sparked a massive change in lifestyle, made me look inside myself more deeply, caused me to reevaluate my friendships and even changed my marriage.

Before you have kids, being married is a lot like dating. You get to spend all your time doing whatever you want, whenever you want. You see movies, go dancing, eat out, travel together, go to sports games and have plenty of sex. You don't have to plan ahead. You just do whatever feels right in the moment. Until we had our first baby, I still felt.... more >>

Everyone wants to believe that they are doing the very best thing for their children at all times. No one wants to admit that they are doing something that is perceived by the general public as harmful to their children. For this reason, conscientious mothers these days would like you to believe the following:

1. Their toddlers rarely watch TV and if they do, they are viewing only wholesome, politically correct, educational programs like Dora the Explorer and Curious George and Super Why.

2. They never ever let their babies under the age of two watch.... more >>

With the first baby, most mothers are very particular. I know I was. This is your first baby and you want everything to be perfect. I spent hours organizing the diaper bag before the baby even came. I spent obscene amounts of time thinking about which type of baby wipes I wanted to use. I bought more bottles of hand sanitizer than I'd care to mention and stationed them around the house in various pre-determined locations. I set up multiple changing stations and outfitted them with pampers, wipes, burp cloths, diaper cream and 3 changes of clothes just in case. I.... more >>

If you are like me, before you were a mother, you had a lot of ideas about how you were going to do things when you became a mother.

You would walk around the mall and see these mothers yelling at their children and think, I would never do that. I will never lose my temper and humiliate my children. You would see your relatives at family functions and watch how their children were running crazed through other people's homes and terrorizing the pets and jumping on the furniture and you would think, I will never let my children get out of contro.... more >>